BANCROFT 
LIBRARY 

o 

THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 
OF  CALIFORNIA 


THE  BURGESS 


NONSENSE       BOOK 


poofe*  for  Cfnlbren  ftp  (Selett 

ILLUSTRATED  BY  THE  AUTHOR 
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Cloth,  $1.50.  Boards,  $1.25. 


;f  rebericfe  &  &tofee*  Company 

NEW  YORK 


THE     NONSENSE      SCHOOL 


THE    BURGESS 
NONSENSE    BOOK 


Being  a  Complete  Collection  of  the  Humorous  Masterpieces  of 

GELETT   BURGESS,  ESQ., 

Sometime  Editor  of  the  "  Lark"  "Le  Petit  Journal  des 
Refusees"  &?  "Enfant  Terrible" 


Including  the  "PURPLE  Cow"  with  Forty  Odd  Nonsense 
Quatrains,  The  "  CHEWING  GUM  MAN  "  Epics y  the 
"  GERRISH  "  Ghost  Stories,  Poems  of  PATAGONIA, 
Curious   Cartoonsi  Autobiographies  of/ 
Famous  GOOPS,  6?  a  Myriad  Impos- 
sibilities, adorned  with  less  than 


A  Million  Heart-Rending  Illustrations  by  the  Author 


^j  The  Whole  forming  a  Book  of  Blissful  Bosh  for  the  Blase ;  an 
Amusing  Antidote  to  Modern  "Neurasthenia  ;  a  Stimulating  Spur 
to  Thoughtlessness y  &  a  Restful  Recreation  for  the  Super-  Civilized, 
the  Over-Educated,  £9*  the  Hyper- Refined.  Carefully  Expurgated 
of  all  Reason,  Purpose,  &  Verisimilitude  by  a  Corps  of  Irresponsi- 
ble Idiots.  An  Extrageneous  Tome  of  Twaddle,  an  Infallible 


CYCLOPEDIA  ^BALDERDASH 

Ferocious  Fancies  &  Inconsequential  Vagaries 
Than  which,  Nothing  could  be  More  So 


PUBLISHED    BY 

FREDERICK  A.  STOKES   COMPANY 

NEW   YORK 


Copyright,  1901, 

by 
Gelett  Burgess 


Published  in  October, 


ooH  9 

.  ^L 


him  who  vainly  conjures  sleep 
In  counting  visionary  sheep  ; 
To  her  who,  in  the  dentist*  s  power 
Would  fain  recall  a  gayer  hour; 
To  him  who  visits  tiresome  aunts, 
And  comes  upon  this  book  by  chance  ; 
To  her  who  in  the  hammock  lies, 
And,  bored  with  Ibsen,  BURGESS  tries; 
To  those  who  cant  remember  dates 
While  nonsense  rhymes  stick  in  their  pates  ; 
To  those  who  buy,  and  do  not  borrow, 
Nor  put  it  off  until  to-morrow  ; 
To  all  who  in  these  pages  look, 
I  dedicate  this  Nonsense  Book! 


von 


;,! 


This  is  THE  MUSE  OF  NONSENSE 

See/ 
Preposterously  Strained  is  She; 


Her  Figures  have  nor  Rule  nor  Joint 
And  so  it  9s  Hard  to  See  the  Point! 


coo  Q  coo 


TABLE     OF 


O 


N 


N 


Page 

FRONTISPIECE:    The  Nonsense  School 4 

THE  MUSE  OF  NONSENSE 9 

TABLE  OF  CONTENTS    -..  .    .    .    ....... u 

NONSENSE  QUATRAINS  &  CARTOONS 

The  Invisible  Bridge       .     .     .     . '  '. 16 

My  Feet      ...... 18 

City  Flora       .       .     .     .     .     . 20 

The  Giant  Horse 22 

The  Purple  Cow 24 

Digital  Extremities 26 

The  Lazy  Roof 28 

Remarkable  Art 30 

The  Lecture 32 

The  Window  Pain 34 

Streets  of  Glue      .     . 36 

Glue  Streets 38 

The  Towel  and  the  Door 40 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


NONSENSE  QUATRAINS  &  CARTOONS  —  Continued  page 

The  Door  and  the  Towel 42 

Insomnia 44 

The  Bore    .     . 46 

Parisian  Nectar 48 

The  Floorless  Room 50 

Astonishment 52 

A  Radical  Creed  ....... 54 

Density        .....     *     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .  56 

The  Goop .     .     .     ,  58 

The  Sunset '  ....  60 

Confessional 62 

My  House 64 

My  Fancies 66 

The  Proper  Exit 68 

The  Jilted  Funeral 70 

A  Quadruped  Unclassified   .     .     / 72 

The  British  Guardsman 74 

Drawing  Room  Amenities 76 

The  Staff  of  Life 78 

The  Sense  of  Humour 80 

The  Laundried  Dog 82 

Imaginary  Osculation 84 

Preferences 86 

A  Woman's  Reason 88 

The  Call , 90 

The  Poplars 92 

Elizabeth 94 

THE  HULDY  ANN  EPICS: 

The  Chewing  Gum   Man *     .  97 

The  Runaway  Train 102 

The  Hotel  Caramel 107 

c-crc  I  2  c-crc 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 

THE  GERRISH  GHOST  STORIES  :  page 

The  Levitant 113 

The  Spectre  House 125 

PROVERBS  EXTRA-ILLUSTRATED: 

Proverbs  Plain 132 

Proverbs  Perverted 133 

ESSAYS  IN  BALDERDASH  : 

The  Oval  Moon 134 

What  Smith  Tried  to  Believe    .     .      . 136 

A  Permutative  System 138 

RARE  SPORT  &  OTHER  FANTASIES: 

Trapping  Fairies 140 

Shooting  Witches 142 

Fishing  for  Mermaids 144 

The  Meeting  of  a  Social  Club 146 

The  "  Insect  World  "     .     *     .     . 147 

Seminary  of  Female  Smoking 148 

Miss  Gulliver  in  Lilliput 150 

BAD  BALLADS: 

The  Little  Father 152 

McGurry  and  the  Yellow  Sunday  Editor 157 

The  Giant  Baby 158 

The  Bankrupt  Babe 165 

The  Bohemians  of  Boston 169 

FLIPPANT  FAIRY  TALES  AND  FABLES: 

Whang  and  Yak 173 

Little  Totsy's  Tragedy 182 

The  Unit  of  Pleasure 188 

A  Fable  for  Musicians 194 

C00     I         G00 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 

FLIPPANT  FAIRY  TALES  AND  FABLES  —  Continued  page 

The  Kisses  of  the  Princess  Pittipums      ......   200 

The  Poet  and  the  Princess  .     .     .     . 213 

POEMS  OF  PATAGONIA  : 

Abstemia , 219 

The  Museum  of  Kisses        .      * 220 

Abstrosophy      .      .     .      .     .     * 221 

Hope's  Stultitude        ............   222 

Psycholophon 223 

The  Knave  of  Hearts .     .     .      .   224 

The  Purpil  Cowe 225 

ALPHABET  OF  FAMOUS  GOOPS: 

Abednego ,    v     .     .     .     .   226 

Bohunkus,  Cephas 227 

Daniel  and  Dago,  Ezekiel 228 

Festus,  Gamaliel  .... 229 

Hazael,  Isaac 230 

Jonah,  Kadesh 231 

Laban,  Micah 232 

Nicodemus,  Obadiah 233 

Peleg,  Quarto t  .\ 234 

Reuben,  Shadrach •     •     •   235 

Timothy,  Uriah 236 

Vivius,  Waban •     •     «     •      •   237 

Xenogor,  Yero 238 

Zibeon  .     . 239 

NOTE. — The  Author  desires  to  acknowledge  the  permission  to 
reprint  articles  contained  in  this  book,  kindly  offered  by  the  editors 
of  Life,  Truth,  St.  Nicholas,  the  Puritanic  Wave,  the  Sketch,  Black 
and  White,  Madame,  and  the  Century. 


have  all  of  us  a  touch  of  that  same  — 
You  understand  me  —  a  speck  of  the  motley" 

CHARLES  LAMB. 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


THE  INVISIBLE  BRIDGE:  A  Kind  of 

Fable : 
Please  Understand  it,  if  You  're  Able. 


l6 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


I  'd  Never 
^    A  Bridge 


Dare  to  Walk  Across 
I  Could  Not  See, 


0  a  a  D  n 


u  a  o  Q.  D 

n 


For  Quite  Afraid  of  Falling  off 
I  Fear  that  I  Should  Be ! 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK 


MY  FEET :    A  Memoir,  with  a  Phase 
Resembling  some  Equestrian  Ways. 


i8 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK 


My  Feet  they  haul  me  Round  the  House, 
They  Hoist  me  up  the  Stairs; 


I  only  have  to  Steer  them,  and 
They  Ride  me  Everywheres ! 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


On  CITY  FLORA:  —  Semi-Culled 

By  One  whose  Fame  is  Somewhat  Dulled, 


2O  can 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


There  is  a  Theory  Some  Deny 
That 

Posts  once  were 
Three  Foot 
High; 


And  a  Little  Boy 

was  Terrible  <SS53P  Strong, 
And  he  Stretched  'em  out  to  'Leven  Foot 

Long' 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


The  Legend  of  THE  GIANT  HORSE 
'Tis  quite  Improbable,  of  Course. 


tar.  22  ten 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


Once  there  was  a  GIANT  HORSE, 
That  Walked  through  all  the  Town, 


A-Stepping  into  all  the  Roofs, 
And  Smashing  Houses  Down 


C4X.23 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 

THE  PURPLE  COW'S  Projected  Feast: 
Reflections  on  a  Mythic  Beast, 
Who's  quite  Remarkable,  at  Least. 

I    NEVER    SAW    A    PURPLE    COW, 


BUT  I  CAN  TELL  YOU,  ANYHOW, 


coo  24 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


I    NEVER    HOPE    TO    SEE    ONE; 


I'D  RATHER   SEE  THAN  BE  ONE! 

coo  25  coo 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


On  DIGITAL  EXTREMITIES: 
A  Poem,  and  a  Gem  it  Is! 


COO 


26 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


I'd  Rather  have  Fingers  than  Toes; 


I'd  Rather  have  Ears  than  a  Nose; 
And  As  for  my  Hair, 
I'm  Glad  it's  All  There; 


I'll  be  Awfully  Sad,  when  it  Goes! 


37 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


The  LAZY   ROOF  what  Liked  the  Sun 
Or,  How  the  Walls  were  Put  Upon. 


28 


coo  2o  coo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


The  Roof  it  has  a  Lazy  Time 
A- Lying  in  the  Sun; 


The  Walls,  they  have  to  Hold  Him  Up; 
They  do  Not  Have  Much  Funl 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


REMARKABLE    ART:     A  Lesson 

Objective 

In  Animal   Motion   and   Rules  of 
Perspective. 


000  30 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


Remarkable 

Truly  is  Art ! 
See  —  Elliptical 

Wheels  on  a  Cart! 
It  Looks  Very  Fair 
In  the  Picture,  up  There, 
But  Imagine  the 

Ride,  when  you  Start! 


coo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


THE   LECTURE:   A  Slight  Divagation 
Concerning  Cranial  Ambulation. 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 

I  Love  to  Go  to  Lectures, 
And  Make  the  People  Stare, 


By  Walking  Round  Upon  Their  Heads, 
And  Spoiling  People's  Hair! 


008    J    COS 


33 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


THE   WINDOW   PAIN:    a   Theme 

Symbolic, 
Pertaining  to  the  Melon  Colic. 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 

The  Window  has  Four  Little  Panes; 
But  One  have  I  — 


The  Window  Pains  are  in  its  Sash; 
I  Wonder  Why! 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


On    STREETS    OF    GLUE:    A    Horrid 

Tale, 
Of  Fly- Paper  on  a  Fearful  Scale! 


S  36 


-THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 

If  the  Streets  were  Filled  with  Glue, 
What  d'you  S'pose  that  you  would  Do? 


If  you  should  Go  to  Walk,  at  Night, 

In  the  Morning  you'd  be  Stuck  in  Tight! 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


GLUE  STREETS:   A  Picture  Expurgated 
From  out  the  Lark  Because  't  was  Hated. 


coo 


If  the  Streets  were  Filled  with  Glue, 
What  cT  you  S'pose  that  you  would  Do  ? 


If  you  should  Go  to  Walk,  at  Night, 

In  the  Morning  you'd  be  Stuck  in  Tight! 


39"* 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


THE  TOWEL  AND  THE  DOOR,  Ah, 

Well, 
The  Moral  I  'd  not  Dare  to  Tell ! 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


The  Towel  Hangs  Upon  the  Wall, 
And  Somehow,  I  don't  Care,  at  All! 


The  Door  is  Open;    I  Must  Say, 
I  Rather  Fancy  it  That  Way! 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


THE  DOOR  AND  TOWEL,  Once  Again : 
Preposterous,  Inverse,  Insane! 


ten  4.2 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


1IIA 


3fb  noqlJ  ggriBH  bwoT 

J'nob  I  tworbmo8  bnA 


I    ;  naqO  ai  looQ 
j£HT  J 


coo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


INSOMNIA:    Strange  Membership, 
And  an  Attachment  Bound  to  Slip. 


40=44005 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK 


My  Legs  are  so  Weary 
They  Break  Off  in  Bed ; 


And  my  Caramel  Pillow 
It  Sticks  to  my  Head! 


45  coo 


-THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


THE   BORE:    Or,  How  I  am  Impressed 
By  Coming  of  a  Hateful  Guest. 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


My  House  is  Too  Little  to  Live  in; 
Oh!     What  Would  I  do  in  a  Flat? 


With  a  Bore  for  a  Caller 
It  Seems  even  Smaller; 
There's  Nothing  so  Strange  about  That! 

000  47  <U73 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


PARISIAN  NECTAR  for  the  Gods : 
A  Little  Thick,  but  What's  the  Odds? 


00048 


CCO 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


Many  People  Seem  to  Think 
Plaster  o'  Paris 
Good  to  Drink; 


ft 


Though  Conducive  unto  Quiet, 
I  Prefer  Another  Diet! 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


THE  FLOORLESS  ROOM:  ANovelSort 
Of  Argument  Without  Support. 


van 


I  Wish  that  my  Room  had  a  Floor! 
I  don't  so  Much  Care  for  a  Door, 


But  this  Crawling  Around 
Without  Touching  the  Ground 
Is  Getting  to  be  Quite  a  Bore! 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


ASTONISHMENT:    Depicting  How 
Peculiar  is  the  Verdant  Bough ! 


00552000 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 

I  Picked  Some  Leaves  from  Off  a  Tree 
And  Then  I  Nearly  Fainted; 


For  Somehow  it  Astonished  Me 
To  Find  They'd  all  been  Painted! 


coo  53  *GQ 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


A  RADICAL  CREED :   Denying  the  Need 
Of  Things  from  Which  we'd  Dislike  to  be 
Freed. 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


I  Don't  Give  a  |/D2 
For  the  Stuff  you  Denominate  Hair 


And  your  Fingers  and  Toes  and  your 

Neck  and  your  Nose, 
These  are  Things  it  Revolts  me  to  Wear ! 

u»  55  *» 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


On   DENSITY  of  a  Remarkable  Kind: 
Usually  Caused  by  an  Absence  of  Mind, 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


If  People's  Heads  were  Not  so  Dense — 
If  We  could  Look  Inside, 


How  clear  would  Show   each  Mood  and 

Tense — 
How  Often  have  I  Tried! 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


THE   GOOP:    Constructed  on  a  Plan 
Beyond  the  Intellect  of  Man. 


0^58 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK 


Now,  You  are  what  I  call  a  GOOP 


A 

Co-Tangent, 
Harmonious 
Loop; 


You  Appear 

to  be  Facing 

Due  South, 


But  Oh,  What  have  you  Done  with  your 
Mouth?        csc<*>o 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


THE  SUNSET:    Picturing  the  Glow 
It  Casts  upon  a  Dish  of  Dough. 


-THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 

The  Sun  is  Low,  to  Say  the  Least, 
Although  it  is  Well- Red; 


Yet,  Since  it  Rises  in  the  Yeast, 
It  Should  be  Better  Bredl 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


CONFESSION:   and  a  Portrait,  Too, 
Upon  a  Background  that  I  Rue! 


62 


van 


Ah,  Yes!     I  Wrote  the  "Purple  Cow"  — 
I'm  Sorry,  now,  I  Wrote  it! 


CAN  TCLL  YOU  ANYHOW  IDRATHERSEE 


But  I  can  Tell  you  Anyhow, 
I'll  Kill  you  if  you  Quote  it! 

&00  63  &O3 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


MY  HOUSE:   and  How  I  Make  my  Bed 
A  Nocturne  for  a  Sleepy  Head. 


00064000 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


My  House  is  Made  of  Graham  Bread, 
Except  the  Ceiling's  Made  of  White; 


Of  Angel  Cake  I  Make  my  Bed— 
I  Eat  my  Pillow  Every  Night! 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


MY  FANCIES:    Fatuous  Vagaries 
Inspired  by  my  Coal  Hearted  Lares. 


C00 


66 


-THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK— 

My  Fancies  like  the  Flames  Aspire; 
I  Dream  of  Fame  and  Fate; 


I  See  my  Future  in  the  Fire, 
And  Oh,  't  is  Simply  Grate! 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


THE   PROPER   EXIT:    How  a  Jest 
Politely  Speeds  the  Parting  Guest. 


C/20 


68 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 

The  Proper  way  to  Leave  a  Room 
Is  not  to  Plunge  it  into  Gloom; 


Just  Make  a  Joke  Before  you  Go, 

And  Then  Escape  Before  They  Know, 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


THE  JILTED   FUNERAL:    Motorcars 
More  Deadlier  than  Mean  Cigars! 


70009 


Why  does  this  Seedy  Lady  Look 

As  Though  she7 Should  be  Undertook? 


Ah,  Should  her  Spirit  now  Forsake  her, 
I  Wouldn't  Want  to  Undertake  her! 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


A   QUADRUPED   UNCLASSIFIED: 
I  couldn't  Name  This,  if  I  Tried! 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


Now,  Take  this  Gaudy  Pseudo-Chair! 
A  Bold,  Upholsterrific  Blunder  — 


It  doesn't  Wonder  Why  it's  There, 
We  don't  Encourage  it  to  Wonder! 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


THE  BRITISH  GUARDSMAN'S  Well- 

Packed  Chest: 
And  Why  his  Martial  Pride 's  Suppressed. 


74 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


Who  is  this  Man,  so  Tightly  Dressed, 
With  Silver  Medals  on  his  Chest? 


His  Bosom  does  not  Swell  with  Pride 
There  is  Not  Room  enough  Inside! 

coo  7  JJ  coo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


On   DRAWING-ROOM   AMENITIES: 
Oh,  What  a  Happy  Scene  it  Is! 


66076 


GOO 


BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


There  is  Little  in  Afternoon  Tea 
To  Appeal  to  a  Person  Like  Me; 


Polite  Conversation  Evokes  the  Elation 
A  Cow  might  Enjoy,  in  a  Tree! 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


THE   STAFF   OF    LIFE:     And    HOW 

to   Cut  one; 
Reproof,  and  How  a  Father  Got  One. 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


It  Makes  me  (sic)  and  Mother  Sick 
To  have  you  Cut  the  Bread  so  Thick; 


I  do  not  Care  about  your  Waist, 
It  is  a  Question  of  Good  Taste ! 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


THE   SENSE   OF   HUMOUR  is  Sponta- 
neous, 
Unconscious,  —  Instantaneous. 


80 


000 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 

When  you  Get  Off  your  Wheel, 
Oh,  how  Funny  you  Feel! 


"X 

When  you  Get  Off  your  Joke 
What  a  Gloom  you  Provoke ! 

s  6  cos  COO  8  I    C00 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


THE    LAUNDRIED    DOG:     A   Whim 

Chinese, 
And  its  Effect  upon  the — Please. 


etn 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


I  Sent  my  Collie  to  the  Wash  — 

They  Starched  and  Ironed  her,  B'  Gosh ! 


And  then  they  Charged  me  Half  a  Dollar 
For  Laundrying  the  Collie's  Collar! 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


IMAGINARY  OSCULATION 
The  Base  of  Future  Operation. 


ten  84099 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK 


Suppose  you  Take  a  Hypothetic  Kiss  — 
The  Position  I  assume  would  be  like  This; 


It  Might  Perhaps  mean  Realistic  Curse, 
And   then   Again  it   Might   Mean   the 
Reverse ! 


COO 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


On   PREFERENCES  one  might  Express 
In  Lingerie  and  Fitting  Ad-dress. 


86 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


I'd  Rather  have  Callers  than  Cuffs, 
Though  Both  of  Them  Render  me  Bluej 


I  'd  Rather  have  Ribbons  than  Roughs, 
But  Why  should  that  Interest  you? 

GOO  87  COO 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


A  WOMAN'S   REASON :    A  Quotation 
To  Put  an  End  to  Conversation. 


-THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK 

I  'm   Sure   every   Word   that  you    say   is 

Absurd; 
I  Say  it's  all  Gummidge  and  Twaddle; 


You  may  Argue  away  till  the  igth  of  May, 
But   I   don't  like  the  Sound  of  the 
Moddle ! 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


THE   CALL:     Effect  of  the  Atrocity 
Of  Tales  of  Juvenile  Precocity. 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


For  an  Hour  they've  been  Saying  "Good- 

Bye," 
And  a  Marvel  of  Patience  am  I ; 


'•K 


I  can  Handle  my  Passion 
Through  Gossip  and  Fashion, 
But  at  Mention  of  Babies  I  Fly! 


coo  Q  I  coo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


THE    POPLARS  :     How  and  Why  they 

Bowed ; 
A  Delicacy  Disavowed. 


Perhaps  you  might  Imagine  that  the  Trees 
Are  Agitated  Merely  by  the  Breeze; 


No,  the  Lady  who  so  Fat  is 
Has  been  Eating  Garlic  Patties 
And  the  Poplars  are  Afraid  she's  Going 
to  Sneeze!    ^93^ 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


ELIZABETH  :     A  Gloomy  Story, 
(Perhaps  it  is  an  Allegory). 


94 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 

There  was  a  Girl.      Her  name  was  Liza. 
She  Drank  Black  Ink.      For  an  Appetizer, 


She  Grew  so  Thirsty.     As  she  Grew  Bigger. 
That  now  that  Girl.      Is  a  Regular  Nigger, 


000 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK 

THE  CHEWING  GUM  MAN :  Though  it  is  Mine, 
Some  Say  't  was  Cribbed  from  "  Frankenstein  " 
(It  Is  a  Little  in  that  Line !)  — 

OH,  Willie  an'  Wallie  an'  Huldy  Ann 
They  went  an'  built  a  bid  Chewin'  Dum  Man  ! 
It  was  none  o'  your  teenty  little  dots 
Wif  pinhole  eyes,  an'  pencil  spots, 
But  this  was  a  terribul  bid  one  —  well, 
'T  was  a-most  as  high  as  the  Palace  Hotel  ! 
An*  it  took  'em  a  year  to  chew  the  dum  ! 
An'  Willie  he  done  it  all,  'cept  some 
That  Huldy  dot  her  Ma  to  chew, 
By  the  time  the  head  was  ready  to  do. 

Well,  Willie  he  chewed  it  for  days  n'  dayi  j 
They  brung  it  to  him  in  dreat,  bid  drays; 
An'  fast  as  he  dot  it  dood  and  soft, 
Then  Wallie  he  come  an'  carried  it  oft. 
Then  he  rolled  it  into  a  dreat,  bid  ball, 
Art  he  made  a-more  'n  a  MILLION, -in  all ! 
Then  Huldy  Ann,  she  spanked  'em  flat, 
An'  pinched  and  poked,  an'  the  like  of  that, 
Till  she  dot  it  into  a  dreat,  bid  hunk  — 
My  !  did  n't  Huldy  have  the  spunk  ! 
An'  then  she  sliced  one  end,  half-way, 
To  make  the  leds  ('cause  they  never  stay 
When  you  stick  'em  on  in  a  seprit  piece  — 
Seems  like  the  ends  was  made  o'  drease  !) 
*»1*»  coo  97  coo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


An'  she  slit  a  arm  right  up  each  side  — 

I  could  n't  a-done  it  if  I  'd  a-tried  ! 

O'  course  her  brothers,  they  helped  her,  though, 

An'  rolled  the  arms  and  leds  out,  so 

They  all  was  smoof,  wif  roundin'  bends, 

An'  chopped  the  finders  inter  the  ends  ; 

An*  when  their  mother  had  chewn  the  head, 

She  went  and  stuck  it  on,  instead  ! 

An'  then,  when  the  man  was  almost  done, 

They  had  a  norfle  lots  o'  fun  j 

A-walkin'  down  his  stummick  was  best, 

To  make  the  buttons  onter  his  vest  ! 

They  stuck  bid  cart-wheels  in  him,  for  eyes, 

His  eyes  was  bof  tremenjus  size  ! 

His  nose  was  a  barrel,  an'  then,  beneaf, 

They  used  a  ladder  to  make  his  teef ! 

An'  when  he  was  layin'  across  the  street, 

Along  come   Leir  daddy,  as  white  's  a  sheet. 

He  was  skeert  half  outer  his  wits,  I  guess, 

An*  he  did  n't  know  whatter  make  o'  the  mess. 

Then  Huldy,  she  up,  an'  bedun  to  coax 

To  have  him  down  town,  to  skeer  the  folks  ! 

So  her  dad,  he  drabbed  him  off'n  the  street, 

An*  Willie  and  Wallie,  they  took  his  feet, 

An'  they  dradded  him  clean  down  to  the  Codswell  Fountain, 

An'  stood  him  up  as  bid  as  a  mountain  ! 

You  'd  oughter  a-seen  him  standin'  there, 

A-straddlin'  Market  Street,  in  the  air  ! 

Well,  he  stood  up  straight  for  a  week  'n  a  half, 
An'  the  folks,  Dee  !   did  n't  they  drin  and  laugh  ! 

c£»  98  v&* 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


The  boys  clumb  up  his  leds  quite  bold, 
The  dum  was  so  soft  that  they  dot  dood  hold  j 
The  cars  run  under  him,  day  an*  night, 
An*  the  people  come  miles  to  see  the  sight ! 

Well,  after  he  'd  stayed  as  stiff  as  a  post, 

Wif  his  head  on  top  of  the  roofts,  almost, 

The  sun  come  out  o'  the  fod,  one  day, 

An',  well,  I  dess  you  can  see  the  way 

That  dreat,  bid  feller  bedun  to  melt ;  — 

Imagine  bow  Willie  an9  W alii e  felt ! 

For  first,  he  cocked  his  head  out,  some, 

An'  when  the  heat  dot  inter  the  dum, 

He  slowly  waved  his  arms  ahead, 

An'  slanted  forrard,  just  like  he  was  dead  ! 

An'  all  day  long  he  leaned  and  bent, 

Till  all  expected  he  would  of  went 

An'  pitched  right  over !     They  roped  the  street, 

To  keep  the  crowd  away  from  his  feet, 

I  tell  you  he  was  a  sight.     My  soul ! 

Twice  as  high  as  a  teledraff  pole, 

Wavin'  his  arms  an'  slum  pin'  his  feet, 

An'  a-starin'  away  down  Market  Street ! 

Then  what  did  I  tell  yer? — That  blame  old  head 

Their  mother  had  made  a-seprit,  instead, 

It  fell  right  off  and  squashed  a  horse  ! 

('T  was  so  soft  it  did  n't  kill  him,  o9  course  ! 

When  his  hands  dot  so  they  touched  the  dround 

A  hundred  policemen  they  come  around, 

COO   IOO  C473 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


They  stuck  a  cable-car  on  to  his  feet, 

An'  one  to  his  head,  a-doin'  up  street, 

An*  then  they  pulled  him  opposite  ways, 

An'  they  pulled  him  for  days  and  days  and  days  ! 

An'  they  drawed  him  out  so  slim  and  small, 

That  he  reached  a  mile  an'  a  half,  in  all ! 

An*  that  was  the  end  of  the  Chewin'  Dum  Man ! 

For  Willie  an'  Wallie  an'  Huldy  Ann 

They  come  along  wif  a  axe,  next  day, 

An'  they  chopped  him  up,  an'  duv  him  away  ! 


NOTE.  —  The  Author  desires  to  apologize  to  the  friends  of  Huldy 
Ann  for  the  liberties  be  has  taken  with  the  diction  in  which  the 
*'  Chewing  Gum  Man"  and  its  sequels  were  first  written.  It  was 
bis  original  intention  to  render  these  epics  in  the  dialect  of  the  nursery , 
and  he  takes  this  opportunity  of  reprinting  the  ballad  with  the  proper 
spelling,  thus  fulfling  a  debt  be  has  too  long  owed  to  himself  and  the 
beauties  of  the  poem. 

coo  IOI  otfo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


THE  RUNAWAY  TRAIN:    A  Pert  Creation 

Of  Fancy  and  Imagination, 

Fit  for  the  Rising  Generation  — 

OH,  Willie  an'  Wallie,  an'  Pinkie  Jane, 
They  run  away  wif  a  railroad  train ! 
'T  was  Wallie  dot  up  the  ridiclous  plan  — 
'T  was  most  as  dood  as  the  Chewin'  Dum  Man  ! 
Wallie  is  terribul  funny  —  My  ! 
He  can  make  up  a  face  that  would  make  you  die  ! 
An'  when  Pinkie  Jane  come  down  to  the  City, 
He  tried  to  show  off,  for  she  's  awful  pretty. 
So  they  all  went  over  acrost  the  Bay 
To  have  a  picnic  and  spend  the  day. 
At  Sixteenth  Street  they  dot  off  the  cars 
A-drinninJ  an'  diddlin'  so,  My  Stars ! 
A  Enormous  crowd  bedun  to  collect, 
But  nobuddy  knew  just  what  to  expect. 
Then  up  the  track  come  a  little  spot 
An'  nearer,  an'  nearer,  an'  NEARER  it  dot! 
But  Willie  an'  Wallie  an'  Pinkie  Jane 
Stood  right  in  the  road  of  the  Overland  Train  !  !  ! 
The  folks  on  the  platform  bedun  to  yell, 
"  Look  out !     Get  offt !  "  an'  the  enjine  bell 
Was  ringin'  like  mad,  but  them  children  stood 
As  calm  as  if  they  was  made  o'  wood  ! 
And  a  dreat  bid  fat  man  yelled,  "  Oh,  Dolly  ! 
For  Kevins  Sake,  just  look  at  Wallie !  " 
As  the  train  come  thunderin'  down  the  rail 
The  wimmin  all  turned  terribul  pale 
<X*>  IO2  G0o 


—THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 

But  Wallie  he  stood  there,  stiff  's  a  soldier, 

An'  then  (you  remember  what  I  told  yer) 

He  made  up  a  horribul  face,  and  —  Whack  ! 

He  skeert  the  enj'me  right  off  'n  the  track  ! 

An'  the  train  jumpt  forrards  an*  squirmed  around 

A-wriddlin'  an'  jiddlin'  over  the  dround. 


An'  all  the  people  they  had  to  git, 
For  that  blame  old  enjine,  it  had  a  fit  ! 
But  when  the  train  dot  onter  the  track, 
Them  children  they  dumb  right  onter  its  back. 
An'  they  tickled  it  so  that  all  to  once 
It  fetched  a  lot  of  shivers  and  d runts, 
An'  it  humped  itself  way  up  in  the  air, 
An'  p'raps  it  did  n't  div  'em  a  scare ! 
oc*>  103  c-oo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 

Then  it  puffed  an'  puffed,  a-faster  an'  faster, 
While  Wallie  sat  there,  like  a  old  school-master, 
A-drivin'  that  train,  till  I  tell  you  what, 
You  no  idea  what  a  nerve  he  's  dot ! 
Willie  held  on  to  Wallie,  an'  Jane 
Held  on  to  Wallie  with  mighnt  an'  main. 


Then  they  hitched  along,  like  a  old  inch-worm, 
With  now  a  spazzum,  and  then  a  squirm. 
But  Willie  an'  Wallie  an'  Pinkie  Jane, 
They  soon  dot  sick  o'  that  railroad  train  ! 
But  when  they  crawled  to  the  last  end  car, 
To  jump  on  the  dround,  where  it  was  n't  far, 
They  dot  a  heap  worse  off,  instead, 
For  that  nasty  train,  //  stood  on  Its  head! 

000104  c^o 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK 


An*   they   all  yelled,    "  teledrafi 

Huldy  Ann 
An   make  her  come  as  quick  as  she 

can  ! 
We  can't  del  off!      Oh,  hurry  up, 

please  ! 
What  would  we  do  if  it  went  to 

sneeze  ?  " 

I  tell  yer  them  children  was  in  a  fix 
When  that  mad  enjine  was  doin' 

his  tricks  ! 
But    the    messenger   boy    found 

Huldy  Ann, 
An'  she  said  "  I  'm  thankful    1 

aint  a  man  ! 
I'll    show    'em    how!"  an'  she 

crossed  the  Bay 
An*  she  see  in  a  wink  where  the 

trouble  lay. 
An'  she  said,  "  you  do,  an'  you 

teledraft  back 
For  a  load  o'  candy  to  block  the 

track  !  " 
An'  when  they  sent  it,  she  piled  it 

high 
Wif    chocolate    caramels  —  dood 

ones  —  My ! 
Peppermint    drops  and  cocoanut 

cream, 
Till    it    looked    too    dood   for  a 

Christmas  dream  ! 


105  coo 


— THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 

An'  the  sun  it  tnelted  an'  finished  the  job 

Into  one  dreat  eledant  sticky  dob  ! 

So  the  train  run  inter  it,  lickety-split, 

An'  the  cow-catcher  stuck,  when  the  enjine  hit, 

An'  the  tail  o'  the  train  flew  up  and  threw 

Them  children  into  that  caramel  doo  ! 

They  fell  clear  in,  way  over  their  head, 

But  Ann  eat  'em  out,  and  sent  'em  to  bed  ! 


O6 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


THE  HOTEL  CARAMEL:    A  Sweet 
And  Happy  Story  to  Repeat ; 
Please  Not  Accuse  me  of  Deceit ! 

O  WILLIE  an'  Wallie  an'  Huldy  Ann,— 
The  same  that  made  the  Chewin'  Dum  Man, 
Say,  —  what  d'  you  s'pose  they  done  now  ?     Well, 
They  invented  the  "  Hotel  Caramel !  " 
You  see  them  children,  on  Christmas  Eve, 
Had  PILES  o'  candy,  you  better  believe ; 
An*  it  came  an'  came  all  Christmas  Day, 
Too  much  to  eat,  or  to  div  away, 
They  never  had  such  'normous  treat ; 
It  filled  the  house,  and  it  filled  the  street ! 
Their  uncles  were  bound  they  would  have  some  fun. 
An'  everyone  of  'em  sent  a  ton  ! 
Their  aunts  were  so  fond  o'  Huldy's  brothers, 
That  each  was  bound  to  send  more  'n  the  others 
To  Huldy  Ann,  an'  Willie,  an'  Wallie, 
An'  they  ALL  sent  Chocolate  Caramels  !     Dolly  ! 
Well,  they  eat  an'  eat  till  the  Doctor  said 
If  they  eat  any  more  they  would  all  be  dead. 
They  div  a  half  a  million  away, 
But  the  rest  just  laid  around  in  the  way. 
Their  father  was  crazy,  their  mother  was  mad, 
An'  they  said  such  'stravadance  was  too  bad ! 
Then  Huldy  Ann,  she  perked  up,  "  Well, 
Come  on,  an'  we  '11  build  up  a  bid  hotel  ! " 
Willie  an'  Wallie  they  said,  "  All  right," 
An'  they  went  to  work  that  very  night ! 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK 


Willie  an'  Wallie  an'  Huldy  Ann, 
They  talked  it  over  an'  drew  the  plan. 
Then  Wallie  he  copied  it  on  to  his  slate 
An'  Huldy  Ann,  she  said  it  was  great ! 
So  the  day  after  Christmas  they  did  bedin, 
An'  had  the  foundations  all  put  in. 


Willie  he  took  off  the  papers  first, 
But  Wallie's  job  was  about  the  worst  — 
He  had  to  carry  'em  up  to  Ann. 
It  was  all  very  nice  when  they  first  bedan  j 
But  when  the  wall  was  three  stories  high 
It  took  some  climbin',  but  he  was  spry ; 
And  Huldy  Ann  laid  the  Caramel  brick 
"Sn  a  long  straight  wall  about  three  foot  thick. 
000  108  000 


-THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 

Well,  before  it  came  around  New  Years  Day 
I  tell  you  that  old  Hotel  looked  day  ! 
It  was  six  floors  high,  wif  a  dreat  front  door, 
An'  it  had  a  hundred  rooms,  or  more  ! 


Well,  all  the  children,  they  came,  pell-mell, 
To  endage  their  rooms  at  the  new  Hotel ! 
They  charged  the  boarders  a  cent  a  day, 
But  they  turned  a  more  'n  a  million  away  ! 
Well,  it  stood  all  right  when  the  weafer  was  cold, 
An'  the  place  was  fuller  than  it  could  hold ; 

coo  lO     coo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


But  when  it  dot  warmer,  then,  what  d'  you  think  ? 
The  whole  front  wall  just  bedan  to  sink ; 
It  bent  an'  curved  till  they  all  dot  scared, 
For  they  did  n't  see  how  it  could  be  repaired  j 
The  floors  they  hollowed,  the  walls  they  tipped, 

And  then  all  the  hotel 

children  skipped  ! 
Even  Huldy  Ann  was 

some  afraid, 

But  Willie  an'  Wallie, 
they  stayed  and  stayed. 
The    Hotel    Caramel 

bent  each  day 
Till  it  curved  in  a  most 

terrifical  way ; 
An'    Huldy    Ann    she 
implored,  but  Willie 
An'    Wallie    said     she 

was  only  silly  ! 
Well,  one  Spring  night 

came  a  awful  rain, 
And     the    ole     Hotel 
could  n't    stand    the 
strain. 
The  roof  it  melted  and 

ran  like  dlue 
In  a  sticky  mess  of  the  caramel  doo ; 
An'  the  wall  collapsed  in  the  hot,  wet  weafer 
An'  stuck  the  windows  and  doors  todefer  ! 
An'  Willie  an'  Wallie  were  shut  inside 
An'  they  could  n't  det  out  when  they  woke,  and  tried ! 

c<90  I  IO  C0o 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


The  floor  was  up  where  the  wall  should  be, 
An'  the  boys  was  as  sticky  as  they  could  be. 
Well  Huldy  Ann  was  scared  into  fits, 
And  she  come  quite  close  to  have  lost  her  wits. 
The  folks  come  running  wif  yell  an'  shout 
And  bedun  to  endeavor  to  did  'em  out ; 


But  Huldy  come  to,  an*  thought  of  a  trick. 

An'  sent  for  the  Fire  Department,  quick. 

So  she  got  a  engine  an*  turned  the  hose 

On  the  wail  of  the  house,  an'  then,  what  d'  you  s'pose  ? 

Why,  it  washed  the  caramel  window  in, 

Till  Willie  and  Wallie  was  wet  to  the  skin. 

So  they  soon  clum  out  and  dot  safely  down, 

To  the  great  relief  of  the  anxious  town. 

But  Huldy  said,  "No  more  candy  for  me  !  " 

For  the  boys  was  as  sticky  as  they  could  be  ! 

Well,  what  to  do  wif  that  old  Hotel 

Was  more  than  Huldy  Ann  could  tell ! 

<*73    I   I   I    COO 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


It  would  melt  all  day  and  then  freeze  all  night, 

An'  lots  of  the  teams  would  get  stuck  in  tight. 

It  ran  an'  ran  till  it  filled  the  town 

In  a  dreat  bid  river  all  thick  and  brown. 

Till  they  passed  a  law  that  no  kind  of  store 

Should  ever  sell  candy,  any  more  ! 

For  it  took  two  years  to  clean  it  away  ! 

An'  Willie's  uncles,  they  had  to  pay ! 

An'  you  may  not  believe  it,  but  sure  's  you  're  born, 

Six  Caramel  trees  drew  out  on  their  lawn ! 


I  I  2 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK 


THE  LEVITANT:  — or,  How  One  Gerrish 
Had  an  Adventure  Quite  Nightmare-ish, 
And  Feared  that  He  would  Surely  Perish. 

ENOCH  F.  GERRISH  was  a  "  prominent  citizen." 
He  had  his  name  in  large  type  in  the  Directory  and 
in  the  telephone  book.  He  was  often  mentioned  as 
u  among  those  present  "  in  the  local  columns  of  the  dailies. 
He  was  a  "  solid  business  man,"  and  could  be  seen  any  day 
on  Montgomery  Street,  easily  recognizable  by  his  eyes,  big 
as  hard-boiled  eggs,  his  paint-brush  whiskers  and  his  duck 
vest,  which  always  had  a  button  missing  somewhere  about  it. 
He  toed  in  slightly  when  he  walked,  but  he  could  afford  him- 
self this  and  many  other  eccentricities,  for  he  was  rich.  But 
he  was  most  prominent  as  a  member  of  the  Society  for  Psychi- 
cal Research,  and  to  the  reports  of  its  proceedings  he  had 
contributed  many  bulky  and  remarkably  uninteresting  papers 
collated  from  the  answers  to  thousands  of  postal-card  cate- 
chisms sown  recklessly  abroad.  He  had  tabulated,  classified, 
and  commented  upon  the  replies  to  such  questions  as  :  "  Have 
you  ever  seen  a  ghost  ?  "  "  If  not,  why  not  ?  "  "  Has  a  ghost 
ever  seen  you?"  etc.,  etc.  His  "Diagnosis  of  the  Inter- 
Phantomic  Relations  of  Sub-Spherical  Spirits  "  had  given  him 
prestige  in  the  Society,  and  on  the  strength  of  fifteen  thousand 
words  anent  "  Spectral  and  Pseudo-Spectral  Anthropologia " 
he  had  narrowly  escaped  the  election  to  the  Presidency  of 
the  body. 

Yet,  like  so  many  of  his  fellow  essayists  on  these  ultra- 
scientific  topics,  Mr.  Gerrish  had  never  seen  a  ghost.  He 
had  talked  with  those  who  had,  however,  and  he  had  an 

^Scs*  <&>   I  13  060 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


exhaustive  lore  ready  at  hand  for  recital,  and  when  his 
audience  was  composed  of  women,  he  often  made  bold  to 
broider  the  narrative  with  details  of  his  own  invention, 
and  at  these  times  did  not  hesitate  to  use  the  first  person 
construction. 

Mr.  Gerrish  was  at  this  time  engaged  upon  a  new  thesis ; 
radical,  even  revolutionary.  He  was  tired  of  his  pose  as  an 
amateur  ghost-seer,  and  the  luminous  idea  of  making  capital 
out  of  his  failures  by  using  them  to  prove  an  original  hypothe- 
sis swelled  his  vanity.  Perhaps  this  would  secure  to  him  the 
President's  chair,  and  he  could  have  the  delight  of  ringing  the 
u  ten  minute  bell "  on  verbose  essayists.  He  had  often  been 
suppressed  himself  in  this  way,  and  he  longed  to  be  on  the 
other  side  of  the  table. 

"  Conditions  of  Levitation  and  Semi-Nudity  in  Dream  " 
was  the  title  of  his  thesis. 

He  worked  every  night  upon  the  development  of  his  theory, 
keeping  one  eye  open  for  spectral  visitations,  in  case  his  new 
scheme  should  prove  ineffective.  He  always  kept  on  the 
table  beside  his  bed  a  pistol,  a  non-explosive  lamp  (that 
would  n't  go  out  even  if  overthrown),  a  watch,  a  pencil  and 
a  pad  of  ruled  paper  upon  which  to  take  notes  of  supernatural 
occurrences.  The  top  sheet  of  this  pad  was  numbered  (i), 
but  it  had  remained  otherwise  blank  for  five  months.  He  cut 
the  "  Death  Notices  "  from  the  papers  every  day,  and  pinned 
them  to  the  wall,  near  the  head  of  his  bed,  in  order  to  identify 
new-made  ghosts. 

The  annual  dinner  of  the  S.  P.  R.  was  held  on  New  Year's 
eve.  Thirteen  members  were  present. 

The  rest  were  celebrating  less  riotously. 

Mr.  Gerrish  had  allowed  hints  of  his  latest  investigations 
c^o  I  14000 


-THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK 

to  leak  into  the  after-dinner  personalities ;  several  of  the 
speeches  had  made  mention  of  the  embarrassing  situations 
due  to  u  Semi-Nudity  in  Dream."  Reason  demanded  an 
explanation  for  the  outrage  so  often  put  upon  the  sensibilities. 
Enoch  F.  Gerrish  nearly  burst  with  the  efforts  to  restrain 
from  exploiting  his  theories,  but  his  policy  and  an  enormous 
looped  watch-chain  kept  him  from  exploding.  The  time  was 
not  yet  come.  He  drank  like  a  camel  to  brace  his  nerve; 
he  felt  that  a  few  leading  questions  would  puncture  his  resolve 
and  the  secret  would  escape.  He  ate  ravenously  of  the 
remnants  of  the  dessert  to  cover  his  agitation.  He  felt  that 
every  one  was  looking  at  him  —  but  only  the  President  was. 
The  President  was  wondering  how  a  Psychical  Researcher 
could  eat  so  much  —  and  live. 

At  the  business  meeting  following,  Enoch  F.  Gerrish  was 
nominated  for  the  Presidency  for  the  ensuing  year,  but  he  did 
not  realize  it  until  three  days  later,  when  he  was  notified  by 
the  Secretary  in  writing.  He  was  now  too  busily  engaged 
with  a  Welsh  rabbit  that  the  President  had  maliciously  manu- 
factured. The  meeting  came  at  last  to  an  end,  or  at  least  it 
tapered  off,  the  members  waking  up  in  turn  and  going  home. 

When  Mr.  Gerrish  left,  they  were  still  reading  papers. 
No  one  was  listening.  The  President  was  drawing  little 
circles  on  a  sheet  of  paper  with  a  soft  pencil,  and  the  Secretary 
was  making  love  to  his  watch. 

Enoch  found  his  way  home  with  great  difficulty  and  a  large 
stick. 

He  felt  as  if  he  had  been  eating  fireworks  and  they  were 
going  off  inside  of  him. 

The  street  was  like  the  back  of  a  whale  that  it  was  neces- 
sary to  climb,  and  it  seemed  to  be  rolling  on  a  long  ground- 
ed 1 1 °^° 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


swell.  The  houses  circled  about  him  like  a  merry-go-round. 
He  tried  to  take  his  temperature  with  a  little  pocket-ther- 
mometer, but  the  mercury  was  all  huddled  into  the  top  of  the 
tube.  Somehow  things  seemed  to  be  going  wrong  with  him  ; 
he  knew  that  much,  but  very  little  more. 

He  did  not  remem- 
ber his  whole  pilgrim- 
age ;  he  believed  finally 
that  he  had  accom- 
plished the  stairs,  be- 
cause he  found  himself 
at  the  top.  He  could 
not  remember  whether 
he  had  gone  through 
the  door  of  his  room, 
or  climbed  in  a  win- 
dow, but  he  was  inside, 
and  was  glad  of  it.  He 
undressed  himself  care- 
fully, and  went  to  bed, 
thinking  he  should 
have  done  so  earlier. 
He  suddenly  realized 
that  it  was  New  Year's 
day,  and  he  at  once  decided  to  reform. 

By  this  time  it  was  two  o'clock,  and  the  Welsh  rabbit,  like 
a  patriotic  set-piece,  still  burned  in  his  abdomen ;  he  had 
almost  given  up  hope,  when  he  fell  asleep,  but  his  snoring 
was  so  terrible  that  it  woke  him  up  again.  He  arose  un- 
steadily, and  circumnavigated  the  room  in  search  of  cotton 
to  plug  his  ears.  He  soon  forgot  what  he  was  looking  for, 

G00    I   l6  <*?0 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


and  returned  in  a  bewildered  condition  to  his  bed,  and  began 
counting,  wondering  when  it  would  be  over.    .   .   . 

As  he  reached  number  thirteen,  he  opened  his  eyes.  Some- 
thing was  rising  out  of  the  bed  from  between  his  feet.  This 
did  not  seem  at  all  right  to  him,  and  he  was  much  hurt  by  the 
occurrence,  until  it  became  evident  that  it  was  a  ghost.  Now 
Mr.  Gerrish  was  in  no  condition  to  entertain  ghosts  at  this 
time,  but  he  nerved  himself  for  the  interview  and  reached  for 
his  pistol  and  note-book,  though  he  was  uncertain  which  to 
use  first.  He  tried  to  decide  whether  he  was  more  afraid  or 
surprised. 

He  remembered  Bulwer-Lytton's  distinction  between  fear 
and  terror,  and  thought  what  rot  it  was. 

Meanwhile,  the  phantom  was  emerging  from  the  bed,  or 
more  properly  through  the  bed.  Mr.  Gerrish  rubbed  his  legs 
back  and  forth  to  see  if  he  could  feel  the  ghost,  but  he  could 
not.  Yet  the  apparition  was  sticking  through  the  bed  like  a 
brochette.  Mr.  Gerrish  thought  this  phenomenon  interesting, 
and  was  about  to  make  a  note  of  it,  when  materialization  of 
the  ghost  set  in  so  strongly  as  to  absorb  his  whole  attention. 

He  wondered  where  he  had  seen  the  ghost  before,  and 
decided  that  it  was  nowhere. 

He  remembered  the  circus  of  last  year,  and  the  athletes 
and  tumblers  at  the  Orpheum  Theater,  and  concluded  that 
this  was  one  of  them.  He  did  not  know  which.  The  spectre 
was  dressed  in  trunks  and  tights ;  he  had  longish  hair,  and  was 
much  more  transparent  than  was  becoming  to  a  person  of 
his  size.  His  eyeballs  were  conspicuous,  and  ill  placed,  and 
as  he  hung  over  the  bed  like  a  huge  interrogation  point,  waving 
his  arms,  Mr.  Gerrish  felt  that  something  was  about  to  happen. 
He  felt,  vaguely,  that  he  should  take  the  time ;  he  was  sure 
090  I  17  c<73 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK 


that  none  of  the  members  would  believe  him,  unless  he  told 
at  what  o'clock  it  happened.  The  reports  of  the  Society 
generally  gave  the  hour  and  minute,  and  sometimes  it  had 
been  figured  down  to  split  seconds.  He  looked  at  his  watch, 
but  the  hands  seemed  to  be  going  backwards,  and  he  gave  up 

this  detail  with  a  sigh. 
The  horrible  part 
of  the  affair  was  that 
the  ghost  did  not  speak. 
Mr.  Gerrish  was  com- 
pelled to  take  the  ini- 
tiative ;  six  times  he 
endeavored  to  say 
something,  but  as  he 
could  think  of  nothing 
to  say,  little  came  of 
his  attempts.  At  the 
seventh  effort  a  volley 
of  words  burst  from 
him,  filling  the  room 
like  the  explosion  of 
a  barrel  of  firecrackers. 
When  it  was  over, 
there  was  a  shocking 
silence,  and  he  found  he  had  exclaimed  : 

"  Ghostly  phantom,  thing  of  evil,  spectre,  demon,  spook,  or 
devil,  take  thy  legs  from  out  my  bedstead,  take  thy  toes  from 
off  my  floor  !  " 

Somehow  this  seemed  inadequate,  and  he  began  again. 
The  ghost  evidently  expected  something  better  of  him,  and 
still  hung  swaying  over  the  counterpane,  gibbering  with  gaunt 

<*73    I   I  8   C<90 


-THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


grimaces.  Mr.  Gerrish  at  length  began  to  regain  his  nerve; 
the  rabbit  within  him  grew  more  docile,  and  the  spirit  of  the 
investigator  awoke. 

"Tell  me,"  he  began,  "to  what  am  I  indebted  for  the 
honor?  "  etc.,  etc. 

"Beware  !  "  said  the  spectre.  "No  familiarities,  please;  I 
am  sent  to  you  to  divulge  the  secrets  of  '  Levitation  and 
Semi-Nudity  in  Dream.'  This  night  shall  illumine  you! 
Come  ! "  and  seizing  the  Psychical  Researcher  by  the 
shoulder,  he  dragged  him  to  the  window,  and  held  him 
struggling  like  a  kitten,  outside  the  sash.  The  rays  of  a 
decrescent  moon  varnished  the  soles  of  the  unfortunate  vic- 
tim's feet ;  an  errant  breeze  slickered  at  his  white  night- 
robe,  and  it  was  very  cold.  The  spook  shook  him  gently, 
as  one  might  flap  the  crumbs  from  a  table-cloth  out  of  the 
window,  and  Mr.  Gerrish  grew  green  with  fear.  The  pave- 
ment below  seemed  miles  away.  Mr.  Gerrish  felt  rather 
than  saw  this.  On  the  other  hand,  he  saw  rather  than  felt 
the  ghost. 

Suddenly  all  support  was  removed,  and  he  fell ! 

He  supposed  about  five  years  to  have  elapsed  when  he 
finally  discovered  that  he  was  no  longer  falling. 

It  was  like  a  long  wait  between  the  acts  of  a  bad  play, 
when  one  longs  to  have  the  suspense  over,  yet  dreads  the 
next  sensation. 

He  knew  from  hearsay  that  if  he  reached  the  bottom  he 
would  die.  That  is,  if  it  were  a  dream.  The  question  then 
was,  was  it  a  dream  ?  He  could  not  decide. 

At  length  he  felt  himself  in  the  arms  of  the  phantom> 
giggling.  This  gave  him,  however,  no  clue  as  to  whethe) 
he  was  awake  or  not. 

ceo  I  19  coo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK — 


"This  is  called  the  'Sense  of  Falling,'  to  which  you  have 
already  given  five  hundred  words  in  your  thesis,"  said  the 
apparition. 

"  Oh  !  "  said  Mr.  Gerrish,  u  out  it  is  much  easier  imagined 
than  described  —  as  they  say  in  the  story-books." 

u  My  next  act  is 
Levitation  proper,"  said 
the  ghost,  and  with  the 
word  he  sprang  into  the 
air. 

It  was,  at  first,  very 
terrible. 

Mr.    Gerrish   waved 
his  arms  like  a  chicken 
that   has   been   dropped 
from  the  roof  of  a  house. 
He    could    not    realize 
that  he  was  being  car- 
ried, but  he  felt  the  re- 
sponsibility of  his   own 
exertion,    and   he   tried 
several  kinds  of  swim- 
ming strokes,  using  his 
feet    like    a    woman. 
He    was    high    in    the 
air  before  he  realized  that  a  mere  effort  of  will  was  all  that  was 
necessary,  and  once  assured,  he  began  to  like  the  sensation. 
"  Do  you  often  do  this  ?  "  he  asked  the  spirit. 
"  All   the  world    knows   me,"  was  the  reply,  "  though  few 
have  seen  me.     They  think  they  do  it  alone,  and  in  the  day- 
light they  try  to  remember  how  it  was  done." 

000  I  2O  00? 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK 

As  he  spoke,  they  passed  the  top  of  a  steeple.  Mr.  Ger- 
rish  could  not  resist  the  temptation  to  lay  hold  of  it. 
To  his  surprise  it  felt  hard  and  real,  and  of  a  sudden, 
terror  seized  him.  He  perceived  his  immense  distance 
from  the  street  and  became  giddy.  His  normal  senses 
returned  to  him,  and  he  clung  to  the  pinnacle,  just  below 
the  vane. 

Again  the  ghost  left  him. 

He  dared  not  look  down  again,  but  embraced  the  pyramid 
eagerly,  as  though  he  were  afraid  it  might  break  away  from  his 
clutches. 

He  was  alone  in  the  sky. 

He  might  have  been  an  Arctic  explorer  at  the  actual  North 
Pole,  for  any  chance  he  had  of  relief.  The  spire  seemed  to 
bend  in  the  wind,  and  recover  its  perpendicularity  with  much 
difficulty. 

He  felt  like  a  damp  shirt  that  had  been  hung  out  to  dry, 
and  had  been  forgotten. 

He  wished  to  yell  for  help,  but  hoped  that  no  one  below 
was  looking  at  him. 

Some  time  after  the  ghost  reappeared,  and  hung  in  the  air 
as  if  treading  water  to  keep  itself  afloat.  Mr.  Gerrish  won- 
dered if  it  had  been  off  to  get  a  drink. 

"  If  you  have  had  enough  of  Levitation,"  said  the  ghost, 
"  we  may  continue  our  investigations."  And  Mr.  Gerrish 
found  himself  at  home  in  bed  again.  But  he  had  by  this  time 
ceased  to  wonder  at  anything.  He  would  have  liked  a  pro- 
gramme, so  as  to  know  what  to  expect  next,  but  he  had  lost  a 
good  deal  of  interest  in  the  proceedings. 

It  was  as  if  he  were  trying  not  to  listen  to  a  paper  being 
read  at  a  meeting  of  the  Researchers. 
coo  I  21  ceo 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


"  We  shall   now  proceed  to  the  condition  of  Semi-Nudity 

in   Dream,"   remarked  the   spectre. 

"  But  I  have  had  that,"  objected  Enoch. 
"  1  am  afraid  I  have  complicated  things,  but  this  will  be  a 

simple  case.  And 
first  I  '11  show  you 
what  I  can  do  at  bed- 
tipping,"  and  the 
spectre  was  as  good 
as  his  word.  The 
bed  rocked  like  a 
steamer  in  the  Chan- 
nel. It  soared  like  an 
aeroplane*  It  dived, 
ducked,  danced 
dropped  and  doddered 
like  an  indecent 
Pianchette.  Mr. 
Gerrish  clung  to  the 
rail  like  the  boatswain 
of  a  runaway  whale- 
boat.  Finally  the 
ghost  took  the  bed 
upon  his  head  and 
walked  out  of  the 

room  with  it,  forthwith.      Mn  Gerrish  tried   to  be  calm,  but 

his  head  bumped  against  the  ceiling, 

He  held  his  breath  as  they  crowded  through  the  front  door. 

Down  the  street  they  marched  in  a  two-story  procession,  ghost 

and  man.     No  one  was  abroad,  but  the  cocks  were  crowing 

n  the  distance. 

coo  I  22  c0o 


-THE   BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK 

It  was  like  riding  a  camel,  or  swaying  in  a  palaquin  of  a 
gouty  elephant. 

Mr.  Gerrish  felt  that  he  could  stand  no  more,  but  the  worst 
was  yet  to  come. 

The  ghost  planted  the  bed  in  the  middle  of  Market  Street, 
and  left  him,  this  time  for  good. 

Mr.  Gerrish  waited  a  long  time,  hiding  under  the  sheets, 
hoping  it  was  a  dream.  At  length  he  peeped  from  under  the 
covers,  and  saw,  to  his  horror,  that  it  had  begun  to  get  light. 
The  milk  wagons  began  to  rumble  in  the  side  streets.  Worst 
of  all,  he  was  over  the  slot  of  the  car  line,  and  of  a  sudden  the 
cable  began  to  rattle  over  the  pulleys. 

He  did  not  want  his  bed  to  be  pushed  off  the  track  by  a 
Market  Street  car. 

A  policeman  appeared  in  the  vanishing  point  of  the  perspec- 
tive of  sidewalks,  and  walked  steadily  towards  him.  Mr. 
Gerrish  decided  to  wait  and  see  if  it  were  a  real  policeman. 
The  figure  came  nearer  and  nearer.  The  policeman  left  the 
sidewalk  and  approached  the  bed,  rubbing  his  eyes.  Mr. 
Gerrish  was  almost  able  to  read  the  number  on  the  helmet, 
when  the  policeman  hesitated  a  moment  in  astonishment,  then 
turned  and  ran  like  a  hen  up  the  middle  of  the  street.  He 
tarned  one  block  up,  to  the  right,  and  disappeared. 

A  cable  car  with  a  red  light  appeared  in  the  distance,  and 
Mr.  Gerrish  saw  the  time  had  come  for  action.  He  left  the 
bed  on  the  track,  and  walked  without  dignity  toward  the 
northwest.  He  wondered  why  he  did  not  run,  but  a  thin  fog 
seemed  to  blur  his  eyes,  and  he  had  great  trouble  in  finding 
his  way. 

Every  little  while  he  walked  off  the  curbstone,  and  landed 
with  a  nasty  jolt. 

coo  I  23  «?o 


—THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


He  had  never  known  there  were  so  many  streets  in 
San  Francisco,  and  he  wished  them  to  remain  straight,  but 
they  refused.  Each  street  seemed  to  be  tied  into  a  bow  knot 
with  six  ends.  The  sidewalks  were  set  obliquely,  the  cross- 
ings led  back  to  the  same  side  of  the  way,  so  he  could  never 

get  over.  The  houses 
were  huddled  into  the 
middle  of  the  pave- 
ment. The  gutters  ran 
vertically.  He  won- 
dered why.  He  was 
in  a  labyrinth,  clad 
immodestly.  He  tried 
to  find  a  latch  key,  but 
he  had  no  pocket. 

He  met  wayfarers, 
but  they  did  not  seem 
to  notice  him. 

He  wondered   if  his 
bed  would  be  returned. 
It  was  not  marked,  but 
Jp3;  he    thought    he    might 

,".  ~'^f*£3&     advertise   for  it. 

Then    there    was    a 

great  blank,  as  if  the  whole  world  had  been  etherized;  and 
then  the  void  and  chaos  began  to  take  form.  Something 
looked  familiar.  Ten  pink  spots  upon  the  horizon. 

They  were  his  toes,  sticking  through  the  covers  of  his  bed, 
and  he  heard  himself  counting —  "  sixteen,  seventeen,  eighteen, 
nineteen,  TWENTY." 


I  24 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK 


THE   SPECTRE   HOUSE:    a  Realization 
Of  Pseudo-Dematerialization ; 
Or  Better,  say  Etherealization. 

MR.   ENOCH  GERRISH'S  paper  on  "The  Cus- 
toms and  Costumes  of  Ardent  Spirits  "  had  ended 
at  last,  amid  a  babel  of  applause  from  the  mem- 
bers of  the  Psychical  Research  Society.      No  one  had  listened, 
however;  they   applauded   because  he   had  finished.      For  an 
hour  and  twenty  minutes  Mr.  Gerrish  had   kept  them  from 
their  annual  dinner. 

They  were  sorry  they  had  re-elected  him  president. 

The  dinner  began,  but  to  Mr.  Gerrish's  floating  fancy  it 
never  really  ended.  He  ate  on  and  on,  abstractedly,  and  from 
time  to  time  he  lifted  a  glass  and  drank,  without  taking  off  his 
eyes  from  the  bunch  of  celery  in  front  of  him. 

He  was  thinking. 

It  was  not  the  stuffed  grouse,  nor  the  leberwurst,  nor  the 
mince  pie,  nor  the  Burgundy,  nor  even  the  bunch  of  celery 
that  induced  Mr.  Gerrish's  hypnosis.  To  his  mind  this 
dinner  was  out  of  place  at  a  meeting  of  such  an  important 
and  intellectual  society.  He  was  thinking  of  his  next  paper, 
which  was  to  be  upon  the  "  Materialization  and  Demateriali- 
zation  of  Inanimate  Objects." 

If  the  members  had  known  that  he  was  already  thinking  of 
another  paper,  he  would  have  been  very  much  put  out. 

At  long  intervals,  his  mind,  swimming  laboriously  through 
the  mazes  of  his  forthcoming  argument,  rose,  as  one  might 
say,  to  the  surface  of  things,  and  he  heard,  as  if  borne  from 
miles  away,  a  song  at  the  other  end  of  the  table.  He  was 

000  I  25  coo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


occasionally  hit   unaware  by  a  flying  jest  which    exploded    in 
inane  laughter. 

His  mind  was  on  other  things,  though,  he  still  passed  his 
plate  mechanically  for  a  fourth  helping  of  pie.  An  im- 
pressive company  of  empty  bottles  assembled  beside  his  plate. 
He  ate  and  drank  like  a  machine  which  some  one  had  started 
and  had  forgotten  to  stop. 

The  dinner  did  not  end ;  but  the  scene  changed,  somehow, 
as  in  a  dream — suddenly,  much  as  a  woman  changes  the 
subject  of  a  conversation,  and  with  even  less  reason. 

He  found  himself  in  the  street,  walking. 

He  kept  in  the  middle  of  the  street  and  counted  his  steps, 
skipping  hundreds  without  noticing  it.  He  was  well  into  the 
millions  when  he  reached  No.  45  Taylor  Street.  He  walked 
upstairs  backward  so  as  not  to  wake  the  baby,  crawled  through 
the  transom  into  his  room,  and  disrobed. 

He  got  into  a  Harveyized  night-shirt,  stiff  and  brittle,  and 
polished  as  an  ostrich  egg,  and  went  to  bed.  His  shirt 
creaked  when  he  breathed,  and  he  fancied  he  was  still  walking, 
so  he  kept  on  counting. 

Suddenly  he  sat  up  and  looked  about  him,  for  the  candle 
was  burning.  He  was  in  bed  at  No.  45  Taylor  Street.  But 
this  house  had  burned  down  last  March  !  He  was  sure  of 
that,  for  he  had  escaped  down  a  ladder  with  great  difficulty, 
carrying  a  pitcher  of  cold  water  carefully.  The  crowd  had 
laughed  at  him,  but  he  had  explained  to  them  his  reasons  for 
saving  the  pitcher,  which  was,  so  he  said,  a  last  present  from 
his  dying  mother.  The  crowd  had  not  believed  this. 

How,  then,  could   he  be  in   No.   45   Taylor  Street    if  the 
house  had  been  burned  down  ?      Or  had  it  burned  up  ?    There 
was   the  hole  in    the  plastering  where  he  had  tried   to   look 
Gtfo  I  26  oCtt 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


through  the  wall  after  the  last   dinner  of  the   society.      The 
pattern  of  the  wall-paper,  too,  made  faces  at  him,  as  it  always 

did  after  he  had  over-eaten. 

The    house,  then,  had   been    ma- 
terialized ! 

He  reached  for  the  pencil  and 
paper  which  he   always  kept  at 
the  head  of  his  bed   in  case  an 
idea  or  a  ghost  ever  occurred  to 
him.       He  would   make   a  note 
of  this  to  use  as  a  datum  for 
his    next    essay.      But    the 
paper  and    pencil  were  not 
there.      They    never     were 
there  when  he  needed  them. 
He    got    up    and    looked 
out  of  the  window.      It  was 
almost    morning.      A    milk- 
wagon  was   passing.      From 
the    next    house    came    the 
sound    of    snorting    and    a 
housemaid    rattling    at    the 
kitchen   stove.      He    turned 
back  to  go  to  bed. 

There  was    hardly  room 
enough  left  to  sleep  in. 

The  walls  had  grown 
translucent  and  as  through 
a  mist  he  saw  in  the  back 
yard  his  dog  smelling  at  the  dust-bin.  Through  blurred, 
jellylike  walls  on  either  side  he  saw  the  windows  of  the 

coo  128  cso 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 

adjoining  houses.  His  own  house  was  fast  fading  away. 
The  whole  front  wall,  bathed  in  the  rays  of  the  rising  sun, 
had  already  disappeared  !  The  ceiling  had  vanished. 

With  a  sudden  access  of  light  the  entire  building  melted 
away  and  was  gone  from  sight.  He  could  not  see  the  floor 
though  he  felt  the  hard  boards  still  under  his  feet,  and 
he  even  ran  an  invisible  sliver  into  his  great  toe,  remov- 
ing it  with  difficulty.  He  groped  his  way,  as  if  he  were  in 
the  dark,  feeling  for  the  bed.  He  found  it  first  with  his 
left  shin,  and  lay  down,  pulling  the  covers  over  him,  in  the 
same  futile  way  that  an  ostrich  endeavors  to  hide  itself  by 
putting  its  head  in  the  sand. 

The  blankets  were  invisible  to  the  naked  eye  and  useless  to 
protect  him  from  espionage,  but  they  kept  him  warm. 

Mr.  Gerrish  lay  in  bed  feeling  very  silly,  watching  the  city 
awake.  He  dared  not  attempt  to  cross  the  floor,  for  fear  of 
falling  downstairs  or  out  of  the  window.  Walking  had  been 
difficult  enough  that  night  when  the  house  was  visible.  What 
would  it  be  when  the  floor  was  gone  ?  It  made  him  giddy  to 
think  of  it. 

He  was  imprisoned  in  the  atmosphere  like  a  bird  in  a  cage, 
sixty  feet  from  the  pavement.  He  felt  like  a  fish  in  a  glass 
aquarium,  except  that  he  could  not  swim. 

The  window  next  door  was  opened  and  the  shade  drawn. 
A  housemaid  put  out  her  hand  to  see  if  it  were  raining. 
Then  she  looked  up  into  the  sky  and  saw  Mr.  Gerrish.  Did 
she  think  it  was  raining  middle-aged  gentlemen  in  night-shirts  ? 
For  a  long  time  she  could  not  remove  her  eyes ;  she  was  fas- 
cinated by  the  sight. 

She  must  have  thought  he  was  a  belated  angel  who  had 
missed  the  last  train  to  Paradise. 

«*»9*»  coo  I  29  coo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK 

To  Mr.  Gerrish's  relief,  she  vanished,  but  soon  reappeared 
with  the  cook.  The  two  did  not  leave  the  window  till  all 
was  over. 

A  policeman  next  entered  the  theatre  of  Mr.  Gerrish's 
misery.  The  mortified  but  high-minded  gentleman  watched 
through  his  toes  as  the  officer  walked  down  the  street.  When 
he  reached  Mr.  Gerrish's  great  toe  he  stopped  and  looked  up 
at  the  cook  and  the  housemaid.  From  these  his  eyes  slowly 
travelled  across  the  intervening  space  till  they  reached  the 
figure  of  a  gentleman  in  scant  attire  —  alone  in  the  air ! 

"I  say,  you  !  "  yelled  the  policeman,  "come  down  out  of 
that !  It 's  agin'  the  law  to  sleep  out-of-doors  !  " 

Mr.  Gerrish  waved  his  hand,  feebly,  in  mild  expo-depreca- 
tion. What  was  the  use  of  trying  to  explain  the  situation  ? 
Who  would  believe  that  he  was  in  his  own  house,  in  his  own 
room,  lying  on  his  own  bed,  and  was  at  heart  as  modest  as  a 
spinster  ?  He  would  like  nothing  better  than  to  be  removed 
or  have  the  house  returned. 

The  policeman  began  to  throw  stones  at  him,  but  only  suc- 
ceeded in  breaking  a  window.  He  heard  the  crash,  but  saw 
nothing.  It  was  not  till  he  had  broken  his  own  pate  against 
the  spectre  house  that  he  realized  the  unique  but  illegal 
situation. 

By  this  time  a  large  crowd  had  gathered.  The  cook  and 
the  housemaid  had  not  once  taken  their  eyes  from  Mr.  Ger- 
rish ;  he  could  feel  them  staring  when  his  back  was  turned. 
The  policeman  rang  in  a  fire  alarm  and  telephoned  for  the 
sergeant. 

After  this  things  went  more  merrily. 

Ladders  were  brought  and  leaned  against  the  invisible  house, 
seemingly  supported  by  nothing ;  no  one  dared  ascend.  Men 

C0o  I  30  coo 


-THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 

with  axes  hacked  at  the  walls,  for  the  door,  wherever  it  was, 
was  locked.  A  regiment  of  volunteers  was  called  out  to  keep 
the  mob  in  check.  The  mayor  of  the  city  appeared  and  read 
the  Riot  Act  from  the  top  of  a .  four-wheeled  cab.  Mr. 
Gerrish  watched  all  this  through  half-closed  eyelids  ;  he  felt 
the  mortifying  situation  keenly,  and  pretended  to  be  asleep  to 
hide  his  embarrassment. 

At  last,  after  recklessly  mounting  a  ladder,  a  fool  of  a 
policeman  rushed  in  where  this  angel  in  a  night-shirt  had 
feared  to  tread.  He  grabbed  Mr.  Gerrish  in  his  arms,  and 
after  bumping  both  heads  against  innumerable  obstacles,  bore 
him  to  the  ground  amidst  the  cheers  of  the  now  delirious 
populace. 

When  Mr.  Gerrish  finally  dared  to  open  his  eyes  and 
release  his  grip  from  the  policeman's  neck,  every  one  had 
vanished  except  the  cook  and  the  housemaid ;  the  house  had 
reappeared  as  good  as  new,  absolutely  opaque  in  the  early 
dawn. 

He  saw  the  big  black  number  "  45,"  but  it  was  not  like  the 
house  from  which  he  had  made  such  a  sensational  exit. 

Then  he  remembered  that  No.  45  Taylor  Street  had  been 
rebuilt  after  the  fire  in  March. 

u  See  here,"  said  the  policeman,  winking  at  the  housemaid, 
"  you  'd  better  git  back  to  bed,  or  you  '11  catch  cold.  I  caught 
you  just  in  time." 

Mr.  Gerrish  read  14,000  words  on  the  "  Materialization 
and  Dematerialization  of  Inanimate  Objects "  at  the  next 
dinner  of  the  Psychical  Research  Society,  but  no  one  listened. 


coo  I  7  I 


-THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK 


SOME  PROVERBS:    Hard  to  understand, 
Though  obvious  the  Moral  ;  -   —  And 
PROVERBS  PERVERTED:    Showing  How 
They  were  as  Truthful  Then  as  Now. 


Misery  Loves  Com- 
pany. 


Do  not  Cross  the 

Bridge  until  you 

Come  to  it. 


Birds  of  a  Feather 
Flock  Together ;  or 

One  Swallow  does 
not  Make  a  Summer. 


Those  who  Live  in 

Glass  Houses 

Should  not  Throw 

Stones. 


132 


000 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


Dog  my 

Love 
Dog  Me ! 


Light   Hands 

Make 
Many  Work. 


Bedfellows 

Make 

Strange 

Poverty. 


Locksmiths 
Laugh  at  Love. 


Company  Loves 
Misery. 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK 

THE  OVAL  MOON :    Poorly  Translated. 
The  Author  was  Intoxicated ? 

THERE  was  an  astonishing  oval  blue  moon  a-bubble 
amongst  the  clouds,  striking  a  sidewise  chord  of 
wild,  blatant  reluctance  athwart  the  bowl  of  curds 
with  which  I  stroked  her. 

O  Love  !  —  dead,  and  all  your  adjectives  still  in  you. 

A  harsh  and  brittle  whisper  of  a  dream  —  a  rough,  red 
shadow-ghost  of  awful  prominence  welled  out  and  up  through 
all  the  inharmonious  phases  of  the  night.  A  frog  bleated, 
and  turned  his  toe  to  slumber.  The  fringe  of  despair  hung 
round  about  my  agony ;  the  stars  went  mad,  the  moon  — 
that  blurred,  blue,  bleeding  moon  —  the  very  toadstools  on  the 
lawn,  the  close-clipped  crust  of  foamy  fire-lit  hedge,  balked, 
choking,  grey,  upon  the  ring  of  flame-spent  turf. 

O  Heaven  and  Happy  Bard  !  O  freighted  moors,  conducive 
to  my  ecstasy  !  Each  unto  each  was  there,  all  yet  was  vain  ! 

Now,  in  this  hushed  and  turbid  clime,  the  rancid  relics  of 
the  mist  are  not  so  gog  with  hume  and  spray,  as  in  the  rest. 
Did  not  the  viper  hurl  his  macrocosmic  integer  in  time  ?  In 
such  wise,  I  marvelled,  might  the  whole  world,  peeled  thin 
and  narrow  in  the  spectres  of  the  night's  reply,  go  wild  and 
leer  in  many  efforts  to  be  insincere. 

But,  Gosh  !      What  agony ! 

The  avalanche  of  superinsistent  medroles  —  the  pink  of 
pure,  prismatic  diaphrams,  spoldrum  and  whood  —  all  Hell 
was  there,  and,  weeping,  lured  me  on. 

So  time  went  out,  and  came  again,  and  disappeared.  I  was 
too  proud,  too  anxious  to  rehearse  my  sentiment  for  this,  the 
<**>  I  34  coo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


dishevelled,  procrastinating  fear  that  might  have  held  me. 
The  hotbed  of  palpitating  remorse  that  drew  me  (and  She, 
too,  with  Her  heavy  hopes  ajar)  the  very  thomes  of  past  prog- 
nostications speeding  to  subject  shams  of  wide  and  whooping 
fantasies  — 

Oh  !  oh !  oh  !     It  was  too  terrible  ! 

There  was  no  nothing  there  —  only  the 
semblance  of  sharp  moist  scalding  epochs, 
ah,  too  long  unfelt !  The  little  whining  birds 
that  She  had  known,  the  windy  abyss  above  us, 
the  Northern  Paradox  —  these  indeed  She 
had ;  but  where  were  sign  of  the  three  new- 
joined  Mysteries  —  the  things  that  all  applaud 
forsooth  ? 

I  began  so  slowly,  too  ;  so  secretly  gaunt  in 
that  old  world  where  She  had  been  !     There 
was  a  fair  old  teeming  thought,  an  echo-shape 
on  my  horizon,  that  reeked,  and,  tempering  to 
its  fresh-found  tone,  bewildered  the  ashes  of 
the  miasmic  Past.     Yet  I  belted  on  new 
moods,  and,  as  I  say,  the  hurtling  phan- 
tom broke.     How  could  She  know  what 
awful  riot  each  red  cone  awoke  ? 
How  could  She  know  ? 
How  could  She  know  ? 
What  ? 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


WHAT  SMITH  TRIED  TO  BELIEVE:  A  Study 
That  Ought  to  Appeal  to  Anybuddy. 


WELL,  I  come  home  late  that  night,  —  near  one 
o'clock,  I  reckon,  and  I  undressed  in  the  dark  as 
per  usual.  When  I  got  into  bed,  I  thought  it 
felt  as  though  somebuddy  had  been  there,  and  when  I  kicked 
out  my  leg,  sure  enough,  somebuddy  was  there.  Well,  I 
thought,  "  Rats  !  What 's  the  Difference  ?  I  '11  go  to  sleep  — 
it 's  only  a  man." 

But  I  kinder  could  n't  sleep,  so  I  got  up  and  lit  a  cigaroot, 
and  I  saw  the  feller  what  was  in  bed  with  me  was  dead. 
Well,  I  thought,  "  Rats  !  What 's  the  Difference  ?  He  won't 
git  over  on  to  my  side  of  the  bed,  anyway." 

Well,  I  fired  my  cigaroot  in  the  paper  basket,  and  went  to 
sleep.  After  a  while,  I  thought  I  smelled  smoke,  and  it  was  n't 
cigaroot  smoke,  neither,  but  the  basket  was  all  afire,  and  burn- 
ing like  a  editor's  soul  after  death  !  Well,  I  thought  "  Rats  ! 
What 's  the  Difference  ?  " 


coo 


I  36 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


Well,  it  looked  so  bright  and  comfortable,  I  thought  I  'd 
get  up  and  read.  By  this  time  one  corner  of  the  room  was 
going  like  a  runaway  horse,  and  it  was  nice  and  warm.  After 
I  'd  read  about  ten  minutes,  it  got  so  blame  hot  I  could  n't 
stand  it,  and  I  got  up  and  went  into  the  next  room.  I  just 
thought,  "  Rats  !  What  's  the  Difference  ?  " 

Well,  in  about  a  hour,  there  was  a  big  crowd  outside  of  the 
old  house,  and  they  was  all  yelling  u  Fire  !  "  to  beat  the  cars. 
I  looked  outer  winder.  u  Jump  !  "  says  a  fireman,  and  I 
jamp. 

Then  I  walked  off,  and  a  feller  says,  says  he:  "you  blame 
fool,  you  bruk  yer  laig  !  "  Well,  I  thought,  "  Rats  !  What  's 
the  Difference  ?  "  /> 


coo  I  37 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


A  PERMUTATI VE  SYSTEM :   Oh,  how  Strange 
Philosophy's  Kaleidoscopic  Range  ! 

IT  may  be  doubted  that  any  system  of 
thought  arranged  upon  the  lines  here- 
with proposed  can  be  a  success. 
The   fact  of   its    accomplishment,    alone, 
important    as    it   must   be,    is    no    proof   of 
method. 

For  instance,  the  correct  relation  between 
any  two  facts  is  one  that  must  be  investigated 
along  the  lines  of  thought  best  correlated  to 
these  facts. 

And  in  spite  of  what,  at  first  sight,  might 
be  called    irrelevancy,    there    is    this    to    be 
observed,    no    matter 
what  bearing  the  above 
may   have   to    the   sub- 
ject in   hand,  that   the   relation  of  one 
part  to   any  other   may  or   may  not  be 
true. 

And  here  must  be  noted  the  impor- 
tance of  the  demand  that  such  types  of 
thought  do  exist.  This  is,  no  doubt,  a 
quality  of  subjects,  rather  than  of  rela- 
tivity between  modes  of  expression. 

So,  too,  are  questions  affecting  the 
expression  of  coherent  symbols  of  equal 
importance  with  the  methods  by  which 
these  symbols  are  expressed. 

coo  I  38  <**> 


-THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 

But,  at  the  same  time,  there  must 
of  necessity  be  a  certain  divergence  in 
form  between  the  types  of  questions 
to  be  discussed. 

And  in  spite  of  what  might,  at  first 
sight,  be  called  irrelevancy,  there  is  this 
to  be  observed,  no  matter  what  the 
above  may  have  to  the  subject  in  hand, 
that  the  relation  of  one  part  to  any 
other  may  or  may  not  be  true. 

It  may  be  doubted  that  any  system 
of  thought  arranged  upon  the  lines 
herewith  proposed,  can  be  a  suc- 
cess. The  fact  of  its  accomplishment, 
alone,  important  as  it  must  be,  is 
no  proof  of  method. 

But,  at  the  same  time,  there  must  of  neces- 
sity be  a  certain  divergence  in  form  between 
the  types  of  questions  to  be  discussed. 

For  instance,  the  correct  relation  between 
any  two  facts  is  one  that  must  be  investigated 
along  the  lines  of  thought  best  correlated  to 
these  facts. 

So,  too,  are  questions  affecting  the  expression 
of  coherent  symbolsof  equal  importance  with  the 
methods  by  which  these  symbols  are  expressed. 
And  in  spite  of  what,  at  first  sight,  might  be 
called  irrelevancy,  there  is  this  to  be  observed, 
no  matter  what  bearing  the  above  may  have  to 
the  subject  in  hand,  that  the  relation  of  one  part 
to  any  other  may  or  may  not  be  true. 
c<73  I  39  000 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


TRAPPING  FAIRIES  in  West  Virginia: 
I  Think  I  ne'er  Saw  Fairies  Skinnier  ! 


140 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


SHOOTING     WITCHES    in  Massachu- 
setts : 
How  Proud  each  Female  Bugaboo  Sets ! 


COO   142 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


FISHING    FOR    MERMAIDS    in    the 

Pacific  : 
Lord  !    Ain't  these  Naiad  Shapes  Terrific  ? 


coo  144  coo 


«>o  JO  ooa 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


THE    MEETING   OF    A   SOCIAL    CLUB 

at  Which 

(The  Secretary's  Minutes  Seem  to  Show) 
Proceedings  did  Not  Go  Without  a  Hitch. 
If  you  have  Ever  Been  to  One,  You  '11  Know  ! 


SMITH 


JONES 


ROBINSON 


Mr.  Smith  still  held  the  floor  the  chair  objected  to  the 
motion  made  by  Mr.  Jones  as  being  out  of  order.  .  .  . 
Mr.  Robinson,  failing  to  receive  his  expected  support, 
and  not  being  recognized  by  the  chair,  dropped  out  of  the  discussion, 
there  seemed  to  be  a  general  desire  to  re-open  the  subject  that  had 
been  laid  upon  the  table. 

<u?o  14.6  009 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


THE  "INSECT  WORLD'S 

A  Yellow  Journalistic  Feat. 


Alarming  Beat: 


OVER   itooo    DESTROYED    IN  KIT-CHEN! 
REINFORCEMENTS    TO    GO    TO    THE    FRONT! 
GREAT  HAVOC    WITH  SMOKELESS   POWDER! 


KIT-CHEN,  July  31.  —  A  dispatch  exclusively  to 
cc  The  Insect  World  "  brings  the  account  of  a 
horrible  slaughter  of  more  than  1,000  cockroaches 
in  the  neighborhood  of  Kit-Chen  district.  General  Beetle, 
advancing  toward  Wash-Tubdorf  was  attacked  with  smokeless 
Buhach  powder,  and  his  whole  command  destroyed.  The 
ground  was  covered  with  dead  and  dying  and  only  a  few 
of  the  wounded  escaped  to  carry  the  news  of  the  terrible 
calamity.  The  force  was  in  the  vicinity  of  an  extensive 
Range,  keeping  in  communication  with  the  Water  Pipes, 
near  Sinkfontein,  when  the  disaster  occurred. 

Reinforcements,  now  intrenched  behind  Coal-Scuttle-Kop, 
are  about  to  advance  into  the  Kit-Chen,  led  by  General  B. 
Tell  of  the  Seventy-Sixth  Black  Roaches.  The  enemy  is  as 
yet  invisible,  but  it  is  feared  that  another  attack  is  imminent. 


000 


I  47 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


A  SEMINARY  FOR  FEMALE  SMOKING; 

A  Needed  Institution  This.      (No  Joking!) 

CURRICULUM: 


FIRST   YEAR:    THE    CIGARETTE. 

Lighting.     Plain  Smoking.     Knocking  off  Ash. 

Inhalation.     Smoking  through  Nose.     The  Nicotine  Finger. 

Laboratory  Work:  Rolling.     Rice  Papers  and  Corn  Husks. 


SECOND    YEAR:    THE 
CIGAR. 

Sizes  :  Damas  to  Perfecto. 
Colors  :   Claro  to  Maduro. 
Stogies,  Cheroots,  and  Seconds. 
Laboratory  Work:  Fillers, 
Binders  and  Wrappers. 
1480^ 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


THIRD   YEAR:    THE 
PIPE. 

Filling  and  Packing. 

Clays,  Briars,  and  Meerschaums. 

Water  Pipes. 

Laboratory  IVork  :  Coloring  and 

Cleaning.     Mixtures. 

Literature  of  Nicotine. 


FOURTH    YEAR:    POST-GRADUATE 
COURSE. 

Influence  of  Tobacco  upon  the  Morals. 

Smoke-Vortex-Rings. 

The  Peace-Pipe  at  Afternoon  Tease. 

Laboratory    Work  :    Loaded    Cigars    and    Gunpowder    Pipes. 

Use  and  Abuse  of  Holders.     Street  Practise. 


coo  149  coo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


MISS    GULLIVER    IN    LILLIPUT: 
Don't  Say  it  is  a  Silly  Cut  — 
I  Did  it  with  my  Little  Hatchet 
You'll  Find  it  Difficult  to  Match  it  ! 


i5° 


MissGulliver 


Lilliput 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


THE  LITTLE  FATHER  who  Contracted 
A  Habit  that  a  Loss  Exacted. 


THE  elder  Mr.  Master  was  a  big  and  bulky  man 
Before  the  queer  event  that  I  am  telling  you  began  ; 
His  only  son  was  Michael,  then  a  little  child  of  four, 
But  Michael  has  n't  hardly  any  father  any  more  ! 


It  was  little  Michael  Master,  who  detected,  first  of  all, 
That  his  great  enormous  father  was  becoming  very  small ; 
Now  I  never  knew  the  reason,  but  I  fancy  that  he  shrank 
Because  of  all  the  mucilage  that  Mr.  Master  drank, 


—THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 

Every  day,  at  breakfast  time,  when  Michael  tried  his  dad, 
He  found  he  measured  something  less  than  yesterday  he  had  ; 
And  still  he  kept  on  growing  small  and  smaller  every  night, 
Till  Michael  and  his  father  were  exactly  of  a  height ! 


There  was  no  Mrs.  Master,  so  the  father  and  the  son 

Got  on  together  happily  and  had  a  lot  of  fun ; 

They  wore  each  other's  clothing,  and  they  used  each  other's 

toys, 
They  became  as  really  intimate  as  if  they  both  were  boys ! 

But  Mr.  Master  would  persist  in  his  eccentric  drink, 

So  littler  and  littler  did  Mr.  Master  shrink. 

They  had  to  cut  his  trousers  down  ;  and  soon  they  were  afraid 

They  'd  have  to  send  to  Germany  to  have  his  Jaegers  made. 

The  way  he  used  up  hats  and  shoes  and  linen  shirts  and  ties  ! 
As  soon  as  they  had  bought  them,  he  would  need  a  smaller  size  ! 
But  everywhere  that  Michael  went,  his  father  went,  of  course  ; 
If  Mr,  Master  could  n't  walk,  he  rode  on  Michael's  horse. 

5-00  1 53  °°° 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


The  people  used  to  laugh  at  him,  when  they  went  out  to  walk, 
For  Michael's  tiny  father  made  an  awful  lot  of  talk. 
The  little  children  in  the  street  they  always  used  to  cry, 
"  7  would  n't  have  a  father  who  was  only  two  foot  high  !  " 


000    I  54  0/73 


—THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 

But  Michael  was  obedient  to  all  his  father  told, 
For  though  his  daddy  dwindled,  he  was  forty-two  years  old  ! 
And  so  when  Michael  misbehaved  and  tried  to  bite  or  scratch, 
His  father  climbed  upon  a  chair  and  beat  him  —  with  a  match  ! 

One  day  the  Tax  Collector  called,  and  till  he  went  away 
The  father  hid  in  Michael's  bank,  because  he  could  n't  pay. 
And  when  to  burgle  Michael's  bank  the  Tax  Collector  tried, 
u  O,  please  don't  shake  the  bank  !  "  said  Mike,  u  my  father  is 
inside  !  " 


One  day  a  big  policeman  found  him  crying  in  the  street, 

"  Oh,  dear  !    I  've  lost  my  father  !"  little  Michael  did  repeat ; 

But  ere  the  Bobby  understood,  he  added  with  a  smile, 

u  Oh,  here  he  is  !    My  dad  was  in  my  pocket  all  the  while  !  " 

And  many  other  anecdotes  do  Michael's  neighbors  tell 
Of  this  midget  Mr.  Master  and  his  giant  son  as  well ; 
Of  how  he  swam  in  saucers  and  of  how  he  hunted  flies ; 
How  proud  he  got  to  be  about  his  Lilliputian  size. 

000 1 55  CGO 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


And  Michael  had  to  build  a  house  to  keep  his  father  in, 
A  little  paper  house  it  was,  the  walls  were  very  thin ; 
And  if  the  child  desired  to  have  the  morning  to  himself, 
He  put  his  father,  with  a  lump  of  sugar,  on  the  shelf. 

He  had  to  walk  across  the  page  and  back,  to  read  a  book ; 
But  he  drank  a  drop  of  mucilage  with  every  meal  he  took  ! 
And  when  I  last  inquired  about  him,  everybody  said 
That  Michael  used  a  microscope  to  put  his  pa  to  bed  ! 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 

McGURRY    and    the    YELLOW    SUNDAY 

EDITOR: 
Or,  How  a  Pirate  Found  a  Fair  Competitor. 


McGURRY  was  a  Pirate,  and  he  sailed  the  Southern 
Sea, 
And  he  was  about  as  naughty  as  a  man  could 
hope  to  be; 

He  tortured  of  his  prisoners,  he  married  of  their  wives, 
His  crew  abode  in  palpitating  terror  of  their  lives. 

He  caught  a  Sunday  Editor  intent  upon  a  "  feature  " 
Who  let  himself  be  captured,  just  to  interview  the  creature. 
He  asked  the  gory  Pirate,  "  Are  you  really  very  bad  ?  " 
And  McGurry  'gan  to  simper  in  a  silly  way  he  had. 

"  Behold,"  he  said,  u  my  diary,  a  chronicle  of  sin  ; 
There  's  not  a  single  crime  I  know,  I  have  n't  dabbled  in  !  " 
The  Sunday  Editor  exclaimed,  u  You  need  n't  have  confessed, 
Such  petty  infamy  as  this  would  never  interest !  " 

The  Sunday  Editor  escaped  and  tried  another  lay, 
And  found  a  lovely  scandal  in  an  actress    divorcee. 
McGurry,  too  disconsolate  at  not  achieving  glory, 
Became  a  pious  stevedore,  which  finishes  the  story. 
coo  I  57  coo 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


THE  GIANT  BABY:    with  an  Ending 
Glad,  but  Somewhat  Condescending. 

MISS  Anne  and  Ella  Sorrowtop  were  ladies  sweet  and 
kind; 
They    were    charitable,    wealthy,    educated   and 

refined ; 

They  never  used  to  turn  away  a  beggar,  with  a  frown ; 
And  they  lived  a  quiet  life  in  an  exclusive  part  of  town. 
Miss  Anne  was  more  indulgent,  and  the  children  loved  her 

much  — 

She  gave  them  chocolate  lollipops,  and  peppermints,  and  such. 
Miss  Ella  was  more  practical,  and  saw  about  their  clothes ; 
Attended  to  their  mittens,  and  repaired  their  little  hose ; 
For  they  had  no  children  of  their  own,  and  oh,  it  made  them 

sad ; 

So  they  loved  the  little  children  that  the  other  ladies  had ! 
And  whether  they  were  naughty  ones,  or  whether  they  were  nice, 
As  long  as  they  were  children,  that  alone  would  quite  suffice. 

Well,  one  wild  and  wintry  Wednesday,  on  returning  from  a 

call, 

They  found  a  basket  on  their  steps,  and  heard  a  little  bawl ! 
Miss  Anne  she  nearly  fainted,  and  she  said,  "  What  can  it  be  ?  " 
Miss  Ella  was  more  practical ;  she  said  "  We  '11  look  and  see  !  " 
And  what  d'  you  s'pose  the  basket  held  !     It  held  a  baby  boy  ! 
Miss  Anne  and  Ella  Sorrowtop,  they  nearly  died  of  joy  ! 
They  took  him  to  the  fireplace  and  got  him  good  and  warm, 
For  it  is  n't  good  for  babies  to  be  cradled  in  a  storm. 

coo  158  c-tfo 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


It  was  a  lusty  young  one,  and  it  kicked,  and  said,  "  Ah-Goo  !  " 
Which  pleased  the  kind  old  ladies,  so  they  scarce  knew  what 

to  do. 

They  decided  to  adopt  him,  and  to  bring  him  up  by  hand; 
And  oh,  the  happy  future  that  the  dear  old  ladies  planned ! 
Miss  Anne  desired 

to      name      him 

Guy    St.     Claire 

Philippe ;   but  no 
Miss  Ella  was  more 

practical,  and  so 

they    called    him 

Joe. 
The  healthy  infant 

grew    and    grew, 

outgrowing     all 

his  frocks; 
Till  they  squandered 

quite  a  fortune  in 

his     roundabouts 

and  socks. 
They    made    his 

clothes  with  many 

tucks,  and  let  them  out  each  week, 

For  he  was  a  monstrous  infant,  when  he  first  began  to  speak. 
The  children  loved  to  play  with  him  at  first,  but  as  he  grew, 
They  got  afraid  to  meet  him,  and  I  think  that  you  would  too, 
For  when  he  was  but  two  years  old,  he  measured  six  feet  high  ! 
He  did  n't  mean  to  do  it,  but  he  made  the  children  cry ; 
For  when  he  fell  upon  them,  it  would  hurt  a  little  bit, 
So  the  children  hated  playing  "  tag  "  whenever  Joe  was  "  it." 

coo  1        coo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


Miss  Anne  and  Ella  Sorrowtop  still  tended  him  with  joy, 

Although  they  saw  at  last,  he  was  a  GIANT  baby  boy  ! 

"If  he  only  would  stop  growing  up  !  "     Miss  Anne  would  cry 

and  fret  — 
Miss  Ella  was  more  practical; 

she   said,  "  He  '11    save   us, 

yet ! " 

When    Joe    was    very 
little,    he    was    fond 
of  pussy-cats ; 
But  as  he  grew  enor- 
mous, kittens  feared 
his    gentle    pats. 
So   when    he  grew  up 
big  enough  for  kilts 
(with  pockets,  too), 
Now  what  d'you  think 
that  giant  baby  went 
and  tried  to  do  ? 
He  found  a  lovely  old 
white     horse,    and 
broke      his     halter 
strap, 

He  took  poor  Dobbin's 
harness  off,  and  held 
him  in  his  lap  ! 
Miss  Anne  she  nearly  died  of  fright  for  her  adopted  son; 
Miss  Ella  was  more  practical ;  she  only  said,  "  What  fun  !  " 
And  so  these  ladies  bought  the  horse,  and  let  him  play  with  Joe, 
And  everywhere  that  Joey  went,  the  horse  was  sure  to  go. 
coo  l6o  coo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


Well,  Joe  was  very  meek  and  kind,  and  tried  to  be  so  good  ! 
That  everybody  loved  him,  when  at  last  they  understood. 
Miss  Anne  was  'fraid  his  giant  parents   might   return  some 

day; 

Miss  Ella  was  more  practical;  she  said,  "  No,  &V,  not  they  ! 
And  if  they  do,  what  of  it  ?     They  will  pay  us  for  our  care." 
For  his  food  had  cost  them  something  —  he  had  had  the  best  of 

fare. 

And  so  the  giant  baby  loomed,  the  town's  gigantic  pet ; 
And  they  talk  about  his  childish  pranks  with  shrieks  of  laughter 

yet : 

How  he  tried  to  help  them  deck  the  town  upon  the  First  of  May, 
And  trimmed    the   spires  and   steeples,   in   a    most  amusing 

way; 
How  he  stepped  upon  the  courthouse  roof,  and  suddenly  fell 

through 

And  then  got  stuck  inside  the  walls  and  cried  about  it,  too ! 
Of  how  he  swept  the  streets  with  trees ;  and  fell  asleep,  one 

day, 

And  snored  a  little  giant-snore  that  scared  the  Mayor  away  ! 
And  better  yet,  they  love  to  tell  of  how  Miss  Anne,  of  all 
Prim,  dignified,  old  ladies,  tried  to  please  him,  as  a  doll ! 
For  dolls  are  most  expensive,  when  they  have  to  be  so  great, 
And  Joey  wanted  one  so  much  she  could  not  hesitate. 
She  dressed  herself  in  pink  and  white,  she  gazed  a  doll-like 

stare, 

And  let  him  carry  her  around,  a  hundred  feet  in  air ! 
She  ejaculated  "  Papa ! "  and  she  sweetly  closed  her  eyes, 
When  Joey  held  her  in  his  arms  adjacent  to  the  skies. 
For  she  loved  her  darling  Jo-boy,  spite  of  all  his  giant  pranks ; 
Miss  Ella  was  more  practical ;  she  only  said,  "  No,  thanks  I  " 

C<50    l62  000 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


Well,  what  this  infant  would  have  done,  if  he  had  only  stayed, 
I  hardly  dare  to  tell  you,  or  of  all  the  games  he  played. 
But,  one  stupid,  snowy  Sunday,  on  returning  from  a  call, 
The  Misses  Sorrowtop  they  found  he  was  n't  there  at  all  ! 
They  hunted  in  the  pasture,  where  he  always  used  to  play, 
They  hunted  in  the  old  red  barn,  and  in  his  bed  of  hay, 
They  hunted  all  the  woods  about,  and  on  the  river  shore, 
But  they  never  found  their  giant  baby  ever  any  more  ! 
But  in  their  great  front  parlor,  which  was  shabby,  now,  and  old, 
Whatever  do  you  s'pose  they  found  ?    Just  heaps  and  heaps  of 

gold  ! 
They  'd  spent  a  fortune  on  ehe  child,  and  they  had  grown  so 

poor 

That  this  the  giant  parents  left  to  pay  them,  to  be  sure  ! 
Miss  Anne  she  cried  like  everything,  for  she  was  sweet  and 

kind  ; 
Miss  Ella  was  more  practical ;  she  said,  "  Oh,  never  mind  !  " 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


THE  BANKRUPT  BABE:    or  How  the  Pride 
Of  Wealth  is  Sometimes  Misapplied. 

THE  little  Bunny  Toddlekins,  he  was  his  father's  joy ; 
"  He  was,  he  was,  he  so  he  was,  a  cunnin'  'ittle  boy." 
Ah,  little  Bunny  Toddlekins  was  very  strict  indeed  ! 
He  held  his  pa  responsible  for  fuel,  clothes,  and  feed,  — 
And  if  his  clothing  did  n't  fit  (he  wore  a  swaddling  suit), 
Or  if  he  found  his  milk  too  thin,  he  called  his  pa  a  brute  ! 


And  if  the  fire  was  smoky,  he  would  use  an  epigram  — 
His  childish  prattle  usually  commencing  with  a  u  Damn." 
To  his  mother  he  was  very  kind,  he  taught  her  all  he  knew ; 
And  she  subsequently  wrote  a  book  :  —  "  The  Infant's  Point 

of  View." 

Now  little  Bunny's  income  was  a  penny  every  week, 
Which  his  father  had  allowed  him,  since  he  first  began  to  speak. 
coo  165  ooo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK 

(I  mean  when  Bunny  first  began  —  and  not  his  pa,  of  course  !) 

And  he  kept  his  money  (Bunny's)  in  a  little  shiny  Bourse. 

His  Bank  was  small  and  beautiful,  and  built  of  solid  tin  ; 

The  chimney  had  a  little  hole  to  slip  the  pennies  in  j 

The  fact  they  could  be  shaken  out,  ne'er  entered  Bunny's  pate, 

Until  his  father  burgled  it  —  but  I  anticipate. 

The  baby's  wealth  accumulated,  growing  every  week, 

For  Bunny  was  an  avaricious  baby,  so  to  speak. 

He  never  bought  a  stick  of  candy,  never  bought  a  tart ; 

In  fact,  to  spend  a  penny  almost  broke  the  baby's  heart. 

His  father  called  him  stingy,  and  his  mother  called  him  mean ! 

But  what  did  little  Bunny  care  ?      He  did  n't  care  a  bean  ! 

At  last  his  hoard  had  grown  so  large,  from  pennies  into  pence, 

That  every  time  he  shook  his  Bank,  he  rattled  twenty  cents  ! 

His  father  used  to  finger  it  with  jealousy  and  greed, 

For  the  elder  Mr.  Toddlekins  was  very  poor  indeed  ! 

The  elder  Mr.  Toddlekins,  he  speculated  too ; 

He  was  a  wicked  banker  —  and  you  know  what  banktrs  do  ! 

He  dabbled  in  "  Consolidated,"  plunged  in  Winter  Wheat, 

Until  he  was  the  laughing-stock  of  all  upon  the  Street. 

He  played  the  "  Jersey  Limited,"  and  there  at  last  was  broke ; 

And  being  fleeced  upon  Exchange  is  quite  a  nasty  joke  ! 

Whatever  could  a  banker  do,  but  borrow  of  his  son  ? 

But  Bunny  now  was  obdurate,  and  would  n't  lend  his  mon. 

The  elder  Mr.  Toddlekins,  he  shuddered,  as  disgrace 

And  ruin  dire,  and  poverty,  they  stared  him  in  the  face  ! 

He  packed  his  leather  dressing-case,  he  took  a  comb  or  two, 

A  nighty  and  a  tooth-brush,  and  a  collar  (almost  new)  ; 

For  his  soul  was  black  and  wicked ;  he  had  steeled  his  heart  to  sin ; 

And  be  burgled  little  Bunny's  Bank,  the  little  Bank  of  tin  !!! 

VOH  1 66  coo 


— THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 

He  took  it  very  carefully,  and  held  it  upside  down, 

He  caught  the  pennies  in  his  lap,  and  then  he  skipped  the  town  ! 

He  took  a  train  to  Canada,  beginning  life  anew, 

And  corresponded  with  his  wife,  at  least  a  year  or  two. 

But  little  Bunny  in  his  cradle,  never  waked  or  stirred, 

For  paregoric  in  his  milk  had  made  his  dreams  absurd  ! 

He  thought  he  heard  it  thunder  ('t  was  the  pennies  rattling  out), 

And  he  did  n't  know  until  too  late,  what  it  was  all  about  ! 

So  now  he  is  a  bankrupt,  and  a  pauper  baby  boy, 

And  he  lives  in  an  Asylum  an  existence  minus  joy. 

His  darling  mother  visits  him  in  silence  every  week ; 

For  Bunny  ne'er  forgave  her,  so  they  never,  never  speak ! 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


THE  BOHEMIANS  OF  BOSTON  and  their  Ways; 
A  Memory  of  the  Jacobean  Craze. 

THE  "  Orchids  "  were  as  tough  a  crowd 
As  Boston  anywhere  allowed  ; 
It  was  a  club  of  wicked  men  — 
The  oldest,  twelve,  the  youngest,  ten  ; 
They  drank  their  soda  colored  green, 


They  talked  of  «  Art  '*  and  «  Philistine," 
They  wore  buff  "  wescoats  "  and  their  hair, 
It  used  to  make  the  waiters  stare ! 
They  were  so  shockingly  behaved 
And  Boston  thought  them  so  depraved, 

000    I  69  000 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


Policemen,  stationed  at  the  door, 
Would   raid   them    every  hour  or 

more! 
They  used  to  smoke  (!)  and  laugh 

out  loud  (!) 

They  were  a  very  devilish  crowd  ! 
They  formed  a  Cult,  far   subtler, 

brainier, 

Than  ordinary  Anglomania, 
For  all  as  Jacobites  were  reckoned, 
And    gayly    toasted    Charles    the 

Second ! 
(What  would  the  Bonnie  Charlie 

say 

If  he  could  see  that  crowd  to-day  ?) 
Fitz-Willieboy  McFlub- 

adub 

Was  Regent  of  the  Orchid's  Club 
A  wild  Bohemian  was  he, 
And  spent  his  money  fast  and 

free. 

He  thought  no  more  of  spend- 
ing dimes 
On  some  debauch  of  pickled 

limes, 
Than   you    would    think    of 

spending  nickels 
To  buy    a    pint   of  German 

pickles ! 

The    Boston    maiden    passed 
him  by 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


With  sidelong  glances  of  her  eye, 
She  dared  not  speak  (he  was  so  wild), 
Yet  worshipped  this  Lotharian  child. 
Fitz-Willieboy  was  so  blase, 
He  burned  a  Transcript  up,  one  day  ! 
The  Orchids  fash- 
ioned   all    their 
style 

On     Flubadub's 
infernal   guile. 
That  awful  Boston 
oath  was  his,  — 
He    used    to   jac- 
ulate,    "Gee- 
Whiz  !  " 

He  showed  them 
that     immoral 
haunt, 
The  dirty  Chinese 

Restaurant, 
And  there  they  'd 

find  him,  even  when 
It  got  to  be  as  late  as  ten  ! 
He  ate  chopped  suey  (with  a  fork), 
You  should  have  heard  the  villain  talk 
Of  one  reporter  that  he  knew  (!) 
An  artist,  and  an  actor,  too  !  !  ! 
The  orchids  went  from  bad  to  worse, 
Made  epigrams  —  attempted  verse  ! 
Boston  was  horrified  and  shocked 
To  hear  the  way  these  Orchids  mocked, 
coo  171  GOO 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 

For  they  made  fun  of  Boston  ways, 

And  called  good  men  Provincial  Jays ! 

The  end  must  come  to  such  a  story, 

Gone  is  the  wicked  Orchids'  glory, 

The  room  was  raided  by  police, 

One  night,  for  breaches  of  the  Peace 

(There  had  been  laughter,  long  and  loud, 

In  Boston  this  is  not  allowed), 

And  there,  the  sergeant  of  the  squad 

Found  awful  evidence,  —  my  God  !  — 

Fitz-Willieboy  McFlubadub, 

The  Regent  of  the  Orchids'  Club, 

Had  written  on  the  window  sill, 

This  shocking  outrage  —  "  Beacon  H  —  //  /  " 


000  IJ2  000 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK 

WHANG  AND  YAK:    an  a  la  Carte 
Dinner,  with  a  Counterpart. 

THERE  was  once  a  Lady  Ogress  who  was  all  of  a 
vicious  violet,  and  very  villanous  of  temper.  The 
little  boys  loved  her  because  she  could  stick  out  her 
tongue  three  quarters  of  a  mile ;  the  little  girls  despised  her 
because  she  always  wore  the  same  dress ;  the  grown  up  folk 
were  much  annoyed  at  her  because  she  would  have  little  chil- 
dren for  dinner  on  Fridays.  To  be  sure,  they  also  had  little 
children  at  the  table,  but  the  Lady  Ogress  had  them  on  the 
table  —  fried.  How  their  little  bodies  browned  !  How  their 
little  legs  and  arms  curled  up !  It  was  immensely  unpleasant. 

Now  the  name  of  the  Lady  Ogress  was  Whang,  and  she 
lived  up  in  the  Hard  Mountains  all  day,  and  at  night  she  slept 
in  the  bed  of  the  River  Flo.  In  this  way  she  avoided  washing 
herself,  and  her  feet  were  very  large  and  horrible. 

Well,  there  was  a  little  boy  there  named  Yak.  He  was 
nearly  as  big  as  you,  but  no  bigger.  He  was  very  ugly  for 
his  age,  and  stronger  and  cleverer  than  most.  But  though  he 
was  ugly,  Yak  was  a  very  sweet  child ;  so  sweet,  in  fact  that 
Whang  was  very  anxious  to  eat  him. 

But  Yak  was  not  at  all  an  easy  child  to  eat.  He  would 
often  come  down  to  the  border  of  the  River  Flo  to  see  the 
Lady  Ogress  as  she  lay  in  the  stream,  with  her  hair  damming 
up  the  water  above  her  head,  her  feet  very  large  and  horrible, 
and  he  would  cry,  "  Whang,  Whang !  Stick  out  your 
tongue !  "  and  she,  anxious  to  please  him,  that  she  might  get 
him  to  dinner  for  a  Friday,  would  stick  out  her  tongue  for 
three  quarters  of  a  mile,  more  or  less  ;  possibly  more,  but  no 
less. 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 

"  Come  up  to  the  table  lands  to  dine  with  me,  Yak," 
implored  the  Lady  Ogress.  "  Come  any  day  j  come  Friday." 

"  I  '11  not  come  on  a  Friday,  but  I  '11  come  on  a  Monday. 
What  do  you  have  for  dinner  on  Mondays  ?  "  said  Yak. 

u  Harlequin  ices,  so  cold,  so  cold ;  also  creamed  snow- 
flakes,"  said  Whang. 

On  Monday,  then,  and  it  was  a  merry  Monday  at  that, 
with  all  manner  of  little  yellow  birds  singing  in  a  skyful  of 
sun,  up  went  Yak  into  the  Hard  Mountains  to  dine  with 
Whang.  The  Lady  Ogress  froze  her  ices  in  a  crawling 
glacier  on  Mount  Terror,  and  the  snapping,  stinging  cold  of 
the  avalanches  made  her  all  of  a  vicious  violet,  and  very  vil- 
lanous  of  temper.  But  she  was  good  to  Yak,  and  gay  to 
Yak,  and  very  mild  and  meek  to  Yak,  that  she  might  get  him 
there  for  a  Friday.  Still  her  feet  were  very  large  and 
horrible. 

So  they  fed  and  they  feasted  till  they  were  full ;  and  after 
they  were  all  through  the  Lady  Ogress  smiled  and  smiled,  so 
strange,  so  strange,  that  it  was  almost  impossible.  "  And  how 
do  you  like  my  harlequin  ice  ?  "  said  she. 

"  It  is  too  cold,"  said  Yak,  although  he  had  hidden  all  he 
could  n't  eat  in  his  wallet  when  her  back  hair  was  turned. 

"  Ah,  but  it  is  not  as  cold  as  you  are,"  said  Whang,  "  for 
you  won't  come  on  a  Friday." 

"I  '11  not  come  on  a  Friday,  but  I  '11  come  on  a  Tuesday. 
What  do  you  have  on  Tuesdays  ?  "  said  Yak. 

"  Yam  pudding,  so  hot,  so  hot ;  also  honeysuckle  pie,"  said 
Whang. 

So  up  went  Yak  into  the  Hard  Mountains  on  Tuesday  to 
dine  with  Whang.  It  was  a  terrible  Tuesday,  cold  trimmed 
with  icicles  and  hoar  frost,  under  a  gray  sky,  pied  all  over 
coo  174  <*^ 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 

with  clouds.  It  was  a  great  day  for  sea  gulls  and  Polar  bears. 
The  Lady  Ogress  cooked  her  meals  in  a  volcano  beside 
Mount  Terror,  near  the  glacier,  and  the  heat  of  the  fire  made 
her  all  of  a  vicious  violet,  and  very  villanous  of  temper.  But 
she  tried  to  be  sweet  to  Yak,  and  soft  to  Yak,  and  very  kind 
and  cordial  to  Yak,  that  she  might  get  him  there  for  a  Friday. 
But  her  feet  were  very  large  and  horrible. 

So  they  sat  down  and  ate  and  ate  and  ate,  till  all  the  crows 
wondered  if  there  would  be  anything  left  for  them.  u  And 
how  do  you  like  my  yam  pudding  ? "  said  Whang. 

u  It  is  too  hot,"  said  Yak  ;  but  nevertheless  he  had  put  away 
a  good  slice  of  it  in  his  wallet  to  cool. 

"  Ah,  but  it  is  not  so  hot  as  your  temper,"  said  Whang, 
u  for  you  will  not  come  on  a  Friday." 

u  I  '11  not  come  on  a  Friday,  but  I  '11  come  on  a  Wednes- 
day. What  do  you  have  on  a  Wednesday  ?  "  said  Yak. 

"  Pickled  whelks,  so  sour,  so  sour ;  also  green  gooseberries," 
said  Whang. 

So  Yak  went  up  on  Wednesday  to  see  how  he  liked  her 
Wednesday  dinner,  he  and  his  wallet  with  him,  swinging  at 
his  side;  a  red  wallet,  a  long  wallet,  a  wallet  that  looked  like 
the  scabbard  of  an  axe. 

It  was  a  wild  Wednesday,  sure  enough.  It  rained  all  over, 
it  coughed  spatters,  and  it  sneezed  a  drizzling  spray,  so  that 
the  little  fishes  in  the  sea  congratulated  each  other  and  rubbed 
their  noses  together.  Now  the  Lady  Ogress  did  most  of  her 
pickling  and  h<;r  potting  and  her  preserving  over  beyond  the 
glacier,  around  a  corner  of  Mount  Terror,  a  little  west  of  the 
volcano,  in  a  narrow  canon,  through  which  the  storms  swept 
so  savagely  that  the  sting  of  the  sleet  made  her  all  of  a  vicious 
violet,  and  very  villanous  of  temper.  But  she  thought  it  best 
000  176  coo 


coe  12  coo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


to  dissemble  and  so  she  was  fine  to  Yak,  and  friendly  to  Yak, 
and  very  hospitable  and  hearty  to  Yak,  that  she  might  get  him 
there  for  a  Friday.  But  her  feet  were  very  large  and  horrible. 

So  they  devoured  so  many  whelks  and  green  gooseberries, 
that  they  have  never  cared  for  any  more  since.  And  when 
they  were  well  stuffed  the  Lady  Ogress  said,  u  And  how  do 
you  like  my  pickled  whelks,  Yak  ?  " 

"  They  are  too  sour,"  said  Yak ;  but,  mind  you,  they  were 
not  so  bad  but  that  he  had  snipped  up  half  a  pint  to  hide  in  his 
wallet. 

"  Ah,  but  they  are  not  so  sour  as  you  are,  that  will  not  come 
and  dine  with  me  on  a  Friday,"  said  Whang. 

"  I  '11  not  come  on  a  Friday,  but  I  '11  come  on  a  Thursday," 
said  Yak.  "  What  do  you  have  on  Thursdays  ?  " 

u  Chocolate  pasties,  so  sweet,  so  sweet ;  also  frosted  pista- 
chios," said  Whang. 

So  Yak  went  up  into  the  dinner  table  lands  in  the  Hard 
Mountains  again.  It  was  a  thundering  Thursday,  that 
Thursday,  dry  as  an  old  book,  and  the  wind  blew  at  the  rate 
of  three  hundred  miles  an  hour,  more  or  less ;  possibly  more, 
but  no  less.  It  blew  him  right  up  hill,  he  and  all  the  birds 
with  him.  The  snakes  were  the  only  animals  that  could  crawl 
south  on  that  day,  and  this  they  did,  for  no  reason  whatsoever, 
except  to  show  off.  Now  Whang  sugared  her  bon-bons  on 
the  slope  of  a  snowy  hillside,  beyond  the  volcano,  just  north 
of  the  glacier  on  Mount  Terror,  handy  to  the  canon,  and  the 
whipping  of  the  hurricane  made  her  all  of  a  vicious  violet, 
and  very  villanous  of  temper.  But  she  was  very  smug  to 
Yak,  and  smooth  to  Yak,  and  very  amiable  and  affectionate 
to  Yak,  that  she  might  get  him  there  for  a  Friday.  But  her 
feet  were  very  large  and  horrible. 

coo  178  <u?o 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


They  gobbled  and  gorged  at  that  wonderful  dinner,  Whang 
and  Yak,  till  they  had  eaten  almost  as  much  as  they  did  on 
Wednesday  —  but  not  quite.  And  then  the  Lady  Ogress 
said,  "  And  how  do  you  like  my  chocolate  pasties  ?  " 

"  They  are  too  sweet,"  said  Yak,  though  he  had  seven  in 
his  wallet,  against  to-morrow. 

"Ah,  but  they're  not  so  sweet  as  you9  II  be,  Yak,  if  you'll 
only  come  on  a  Friday,  Yak  ;  look  at  this,  Yak."  And  Whang 
stuck  out  her  tongue  three  quarters  of  a  mile ;  possibly  more, 
but  no  less,  and  smiled  painfully. 

This1  pleased  Yak,  and  he  said,  a  Well,  I  '11  come  on  a 
Friday.  What  do  you  have  on  Fridays?"  He  knew  well 
that  on  Fridays  the  Lady  Ogress  dined  on  fried  babies  on 
toast,  but  he  had  an  idea. 

u  If  you  '11  promise  to  come,"  said  Whang,  "  I  '11  have 
something  that  is  both  cold  and  hot,  and  both  sour  and  sweet." 

"  All  right,  then,"  said  Yak,  "  I  '11  come  on  a  Friday." 

It  was  a  fair  Friday,  full  of  sunshine  and  clouds  in  the 
proper  proportion,  when  Yak  went  up  into  the  Hard  Moun- 
tains again.  It  did  not  blow,  and  it  did  not  rain,  and  all 
manner  of  little  animals  were  out  of  doors  enjoying  themselves. 
The  worms  and  the  moles  and  the  gophers  and  prairie  dogs 
came  up  out  of  the  ground  to  see  Yak  as  he  passed  by.  The 
foolish  fishes  stuck  their  heads  out  of  the  water  and  yelled 
"  Hurrah  !  "  The  birds  circled  around  him  as  he  went  on, 
and  they  wondered  at  his  courage  and  ugliness. 

The  Lady  Ogress  was  busy  with  a  huge  frying  pan  by  the 
side  of  a  big  precipice,  a  million  miles  high  more  or  less; 
possibly  more,  but  no  less. 

"Hello!  "said  Whang,  and  "Hello!"  said  Yak.  Then 
they  sat  down. 

coo  179  100 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


"  What  are  you  going  to  have  for  dinner  to-day  ? "  said 
Yak. 

"  I  've  told  you  already,  something  that 's  hot  and  cold,  and 
sour  and  sweet,"  said  Whang,  "  but  if  you  '11  guess,  you  may 
have  my  share." 

"  Well,  I  've  brought  that  for  my  own  dinner  in  my  red, 
long  wallet,  my  wallet  like  the  scabbard  of  an  axe,"  Yak 
said,  "  and  if  you  can  guess  what  it  is,  you  may  have  my 
share." 

"In  your  wallet?"  cried  the  Lady  Ogress.  "If  it's  in 
your  wallet,  then  I  can't  guess  what  it  is." 

"Then  it's  all  mine,"  said  Yak,  and  he  emptied  out  his 
wallet,  his  red  wallet,  his  long  wallet,  his  wallet  like  the  scab- 
bard of  an  axe,  and  began  to  eat.  "  Here  's  some  harlequin 
ice ;  and  that 's  cold."  So  he  ate  that.  "  Here  's  some 
yam  pudding ;  and  that 's  hot."  So  he  ate  that.  "  Here  's 
some  pickled  whelks ;  and  they  Jre  sour."  So  he  ate  those. 
"  And  here 's  some  chocolate  pasty  ;  and  that 's  sweet !  "  So 
he  ate  that. 

"  Well,  that 's  awfully  clever,  I  must  say,"  said  Whang ; 
"  but  now  let 's  see  you  guess  what  7  am  going  to  have  for 
dinner  this  Friday." 

"  Oh,  you  were  going  to  eat  me,  for  I  am  hot,  and  I  am 
cold,  and  I  am  sour,  and  I  am  sweet,  since  I  came  on  a 
Friday.  Is  that  right  ? " 

"  Yes,"  said  the  Lady  Ogress. 

"  Then  I  have  won  your  share,  and  you  may  n't  eat  me," 
said  Yak. 

"  But  I  am  always  very,  very  hungry  on  a  Friday,  and  I 
must  eat  something"  said  Whang. 

"  Eat  yourself,"  said  Yak. 

C00    I  8O  C<73 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


"  I  will,"  said  the  mortified  Ogress,  and  she  began  sadly  to 
eat  herself  up,  beginning  with  the  toes  of  her  feet  which  were 
very  large  and  horrible. 

When  she  was  completely  devoured  Yak  got  up  and  pushed 
her  over  the  edge  of  the  big  precipice. 

Then  Yak  left  the  edge  of  the  big  precipice,  walked  along 
the  slope  of  the  snowy  hillside  through  the  narrow  canon 
below  the  volcano  of  Mount  Terror,  crossed  the  crawling 
glacier  bearing  his  red  wallet,  his  long  wallet,  his  wallet  like 
the  scabbard  of  an  axe  till  he  got  home.  The  next  day  was 
Saturday  —  a  serene  and  satisfactory  Saturday  for  Yak  indeed. 
Yes,  indeed ! 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK 

LITTLE  TOTSY'S  TRAGEDY:    a  Grim, 
Pessimistic,  Morbid  Sort  of  Whim. 

THE  little  Totsy  Toddledrop  was  but  three  years  old 
when  her  widowed  mother  died,  leaving  her  to  the 
mercies  of  the  bitter  world.  Though  her  father 
had  been  an  accomplished  Gonoff,  vice,  intemperance,  or  sin 
had  left  no  mark  upon  the  youthful  face  of  the  tiny  Totsy, 
for  she  was  as  innocent  as  a  new-laid  egg  and  unskilled  in 
infamy.  In  spite  of  her  years  and  hardships  Totsy's  life  had 
been  horribly  sweet  and  pure,  and  great  men,  stooping  to  kiss 
this  little  waif  of  the  streets,  burst  into  tears  at  her  youth,  her 
beauty,  and  her  sad  tale  of  misfortunes,  called  her  "  angel  "  — 
and  passed  on. 

But  Totsy  could  not  live  on  kisses  of  indulgent  old  gentle- 
men ;  her  three  years  had  taught  her  that  they  were  indigest- 
ible and  innutritious  ;  they  were  sweet  and  hearty,  but  they  did 
not  sustain.  And  little  Totsy  grew  more  frail  upon  these 
delicacies,  longing  for  death. 

It  was  many,  many  weeks  since  she  had  tasted  food,  when, 
one  day,  while  sitting  upon  the  steps  of  the  police  station, 
Totsy  saw  a  man  brought  in,  held  by  two,  three,  four,  five 
policemen.  He  struggled  fiercely  in  their  embraces,  and 
talked  a  wild  language  —  polysyllabic,  guttural  —  so  strange 
that  the  little  child  could  not  understand  its  import. 

"  Ah,  he  is  hungry,  too !  "  thought  the  little  Totsy,  as  she 
placed  a  wan,  thin  hand  upon  her  little  empty  tummy.  And 
her  eyes  filled. 

Timidly  she  followed  the  hullabaloo  as  it  swept  up  to  the 
magistrate's  desk.     With  eyes  of  wonder  she  heard  the  case 
ooo  I  82  coo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


discussed,  but  when  the  sentence  was  given  —  two  months  in 
the  workhouse  —  she  broke  down  and  wept  uncomfortably. 

"  Two  months  !  "  she  cried  to  the  officer  by  the  door,  "and 
do  they  eat  there  —  at  the  workhouse  ?  " 

"  Well,  I  guess  yes,"  said  the  copper. 

But  little  Totsy  Toddledrop  had  fainted. 

When  she  came  to,  with  a  pronounced  brunette  taste  of 
whiskey  in  her 
mouth  (and,  in- 
deed, as  far  down 
as  her  little  worn 
belt),  she  staggered 
up  to  the  judge. 

"Oh,  Mister 
Man,"  she  wailed, 
"  send  me,  too,  to 
the  workhouse ! " 

"  But  you  have 
committed  no 
crime,"  cried  the 
magistrate. 

"A  crime? 
What  is  that  which  it  is,  which  it  is  what  ? "  appealed  the 
child,  whose  great-great-grandfather  had  been  a  St.  Louis 
Frenchman.  So  she,  too,  had  eight  and  one  half  per  cent  of 
Creole  blood. 

"  Go,  little  girl,  and  commit  a  felony." 

"  But  I  am  so  weak,  so  weak !  "  cried  the  miserable  baby, 
"  might  not  a  misdemeanour  suffice  ?  " 

"Well,  we  Ml  see,  we  '11  see,"  said  the  old  man,  indulgently. 
"  Now  run  away  and  try  to  be  bad." 

c/20  183  coo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


"  Oh,  sir,  you  are  so  kind  to  me,"  wept  the  dainty  child ; 
"  may  I  not  call  you  papa  ?  It  will  not  cost  you  a  cent,"  she 
added. 

The  magistrate,  remembering  his  six  little  daughters  at 
home,  and  that  he  had  promised  to  buy  them  theatre  tickets 
for  that  night,  left  hurriedly. 

"  What  it  is  ?  "  cried  Totsy,  very  wildly. 
"What  it  is  —  which  is  crime?  Oh,  I  am 
too  young  for  murder  !  " 

But  the  little  Totsy  would  try  ;  she  would 
be  brave  and  at  least  attempt  to  slaughter  a 
man,  for  homicide  was  all  she  knew  of 
crime. 

A  man  and  a  woman  passed.  Which 
should  she  try  ? 

She  decided  on  the  man.  Men  had 
always  been  kind  to  her,  and  he  would  be 
kind  now.  Women  had  always  told  her 
that  her  face  was  dirty. 

She  boldly  attacked  the  man. 
But  what  could  a  young  child  (only  three 
years  of  age   and  unused  to  mayhem  of  any  kind),  do  to  a 
stock-broker,  trained  in  the  wheat  pit  ? 

She  swung  her  tiny  fist  against  his  knee-cap,  but  she  never 
touched  him.  With  her  little  feeble  jaw  she  bit  him  in  the 

leg. 

He  did  not  even  notice  it. 

"  My  God  !  "  she  cried  aloud. 

The  man,  who  was  a  good  man,  stopped. 

u  Excuse  me,  sir,"  said  the  Totsy,  "  but  have  you  a  pocket 
knife?" 

coo  I  84  *&* 


— THE  BUROESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 

"  Yes,  my  child,"  replied  the  gentleman ;  "  why  do  you 
ask  ?  " 

By  this  time  the  infant  was  weeping  again.  She  always 
wept  in  an  emergency.  She  was  very  young,  but  she  had 
learned  that  much. 

"  Boo  hoo  !  "  she  cried.  "  Oh,  Mister,  for  the  love  of 
dinner,  let  me  murder  you.  It  is  my  only  hope,"  she  added, 
thinking  he  was  about  to  give  in. 

But  the  man  only  laughed  and  passed  on.  "  Certainly 
not,"  he  whispered. 

"  Not  to  oblige  a  lady  ? "  implored  Totsy. 

u  No,  madam  !  "  he  said,  rudely.     "  It  is  absurd." 

Little  Totsy  crept  forlornly  back  to  the  police  station.  The 
magistrate  had  returned  to  borrow  a  cigar. 

u  What  hope  is  there  for  such  as  I  ?  No  one  will  let  me 
murder  him  or  her  ! "  and  again  she  turned  on  the  battery  of 
her  tears. 

"Try  again,  said  the  officer,  kindly;  "there  is  always 
burglary." 

u  Oh,  indeed,  I  can  learn  to  burgle  —  I  will  try  so  hard," 
said  the  little  one.  She  went  home  and  hunted  the  sidewalks 
for  some  chance  gumdrop  to  sustain  life  till  she  should  have 
sinned.  Her  search  was  at  last  rewarded,  and  she  lived  for 
ten  days  upon  the  morsel,  till  at  last  it  dissolved,  and  sank 
mucilaginously  past  her  epiglottis. 

Meanwhile  she  had  borrowed  a  jimmy  from  a  young  gentle- 
man friend,  proceeded  up  Madison  Avenue  and  selected  a  fit 
theatre  for  her  little  act. 

She  stopped  at  No.  XXVY  and  rang  the  bell.  It  was  now 
about  3.23  A.M.  It  was  dark,  but  not  too  dark. 

It  was  the  beautiful  but  exclusive  Mrs.  de  Goldbrick  van 
c-oo  185  coo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


Pastenbury  that  protruded  her  yellow  head  from  a  third  story 
window  and  cried  down  to  Totsy  what  did  she  want  ? 

u  Please  let  me  in,  for  I  have  come  to  burgle  your  house," 
pleaded  the  little  innocent  orphan,  who  in  her  childish  heart 
thought  she  was  carrying  out  her  part  with  immense  verve 
and  consummate  tact. 

The  lady  seemed  much  touched.  But  she  only  smiled, 
threw  a  kiss  to  the  child,  drew  down  the  window  sash  and 

resumed  her  toilet. 

Little  Totsy  beat 
against  the  front  door 
with  her  jimmy.  Her 
efforts  dented  the  varnish, 
but  were  otherwise  in- 
adequate. Had  she  only 
thought  to  attack  the  plate 
glass,  she  would  by  now 
have  been  a  little  sister 
of  the  workhouse.  So 
near  success  lies  to  failure. 
But  it  never  occurred  to  her. 

Why  narrate  her  further  attempts  at  infamy  ?  Try  as  she 
might,  she  could  not  be  felonious.  Her  innocent  face  betrayed 
her  every  time  she  tried  to  appear  depraved.  Paying  tellers 
only  laughed  at  her  when  she  asked  them  to  cash  forged  checks. 
She  tried  her  Lilliputian  hand  at  arson,  but  without  avail,  for 
her  matches  would  go  out.  She  was  too  little  for  shop-lifting. 
Step  by  step  she  fell  to  lower  levels  of  vice  and  did  not 
recoil  at  even  an  ordinary  misdemeanour.  She  rode  her  little 
bicycle  at  night  without  a  light  and  the  policemen  only  guyed 
her.  Was  the  whole  world  against  her  ? 
coo  I  86  coo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


She  smoked  cigarettes  in  the  elevated  trains  and  horny- 
handed,  leathern-lunged  guards  went  forward  and  back,  met 
one  another  and  nudged  elbows  and  said  :  u  How  cunning  ! 
So  like  my  darling  little  one  at  home  !" 

She  refused  to  pay  her  fare  upon  the  cable  cars,  and  was 
allowed  to  ride  upon  the  front  platform.  She  learned  to  swear 
in  dialect,  but  it  was  no  use. 

The  rest  was  too  awful ! 

One  day  the  end  came  !  Totsy  was 
desperate.  Two  months  without  food 
had  driven  her  to  virtue.  No  little  girl, 
though  she  be  a  fiend  in  human  shape, 
can  long  withstand  the  temptations  of 
hunger,  cold,  and  misery.  A  beautiful 
shop-lady  came  to  her  one  day  and 
painted  to  little  Totsy  the  seductions 
of  a  life  as  a  cash  girl  in  a  department 
store,  and  in  despair  of  ever  attaining 
the  blessed  shelter  of  the  workhouse, 
Totsy  accepted  a  position  at  one  dollar- 
a  week  at  Wandermere's,  where,  clad 
in  black  cambric  and  brass  side-combs, 
and  with  a  pencil  stuck  in  her  hair,  she  may  now  be  found  at 
the  scented  soap  department,  third  aisle  to  the  right. 

Let  us  not  judge  little  Totsy  too  harshly.  Though  she  is 
shunned  and  despised  by  petty  larcenists  and  criminals,  as  well 
as  by  the  most  exclusive  crooks  in  the  profession,  may  it  not 
be  that  in  spite  of  the  virtuous  life  with  which  she  is  sur- 
rounded, there  may  be  still  some  small  spark  of  vice  slumber- 
ing in  her  little  rosy  soul  that  may  some  time  wake  and  make 
her  interesting,  if  not  famous  ? 

coo  187  coo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


THE    UNIT    OF    PLEASURE  :    Describing  the 

Quest 
Philosophy  made,  to  Investigate  Zest. 

THERE  was  once  a  scientist,  a  learned  but  unwise 
old  pedant,  who  had  a  passion  for  original  investi- 
gation. Being,  however,  a  student  of  these  latter 
days,  he  cursed  his  predecessors  for  having  left  him  so  little 
to  discover,  till  one  day,  looking  out  upon  the  world  through 
his  concave  lenses,  he  noticed  that  there  was,  after  all,  one 
thing  still  lacking  in  the  domain  of  psychology.  In  his  re- 
view of  the  phenomena  of  emotion,  ranging  from  anguish  on 
the  one  hand  to  beatitude  on  the  other,  the  fact  came  home  to 
him  that  there  was  no  standard  of  sensation  by  which  any 
given  experience  might  be  measured. 

Here,  then,  was  the  opportunity  of  his  life — to  determine 
a  u  Unit  of  Pleasure  "  in  terms  of  which  all  sensation  could 
be  quantitatively  described ;  not  only  pleasant  emotions,  but 
pain  as  well,  since  pain  is  but  the  negative  aspect  of  the  same 
quality.  It  would  facilitate  exact  thought,  he  reflected,  to 
adopt  some  such  gauge,  by  means  of  which,  for  instance,  a 
father,  questioning  his  daughter's  enjoyment  of  her  first  ball, 
might  kindle  with  pride  to  find  that  his  debutante  had  experi- 
enced fully  thirty-seven  units  of  pleasure;  or  the  mother, 
bending  over  her  ailing  son,  might  hear  with  relieved  anxiety 
that  his  suffering  did  not  exceed— 18-735. 

To  this  task,  then,  the  old  scientist  bent  his  efforts,  and  as 
his  own  passions  had  long  since  grown  wan  and  colourless,  he 
ventured  from  his  laboratory  to  seek  data  outside. 

Now  the  first  person  he  met  was  a  small  boy,  who  was 
coo  188  coo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


gazing  in  at  the  windows  of  a  confectioner's  shop.  The  old 
man,  after  a  somewhat  prolix  explanation,  succeeded  in  bring- 
ing the  scheme  of  his  analysis  within  the  sphere  of  the  lad's 
comprehension  and  pressed  him  for  a  suggestion  for  the  pro- 
posed Unit  of  Pleasure. 

The  boy,  who  had  not  removed  his  eyes  from  the  shop- 
window,    said    at 
last :  — 

"It  seems  to  me 
that  I  should  adopt 
as  a  unit  one  spoon- 
ful of  ice-cream." 

"  Very  good,"  re- 
plied the  scientist. 
"  Suppose  we  inves- 
tigate, then,  along 
the  lines  of  that 
assumption.  Now, 
according  to  your 
standard,  what 
would  be  the  ap- 
proximate amount 
to-day  ? " 

The  boy  thought  a  little  longer,  and  then  said,  "  Well,  if  I 
were  sure  of  having  plenty  of  bites,  I  think  it  would  be  worth 
about  twenty-seven  units  of  pleasure." 

"You  are  a  good  child,"  pleasantly  remarked  the  indulgent 
old  man,  "  and  so,  in  return  for  your  valuable  assistance,  I  will 
give  you  your  choice  of  either  twenty-eight  spoonfuls  of  ice- 
cream, or  a  half-holiday  in  which  to  fish  with  the  beautiful 
rod  and  line  in  that  window." 

coo  I  89  c^?0 


pleasure    to    you     in     going    fishing 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


The  boy,  consistently  with  his  first  estimate,  chose  the  ice- 
cream, and  the  two  went  into  the  shop.  After  the  delicacy 
had  been  consumed,  and  while  the  boy  was  licking  his  plate 
and  the  corners  of  his  mouth,  the  old  man  took  out  his  note- 
book and  remarked  : 

"  Let  me  be  sure  of  my  data,  my  son,  before  I  leave  you. 

Let  me  see :  I  believe 
that,  adopting  one  spoon- 
ful of  ice-cream  as  a  unit, 
the  pleasure  in  going 
fishing  is  equivalent  to 
twenty-seven  units." 

"  I  expect,  perhaps, 
it 's  a  good  deal  more 
than  that,  after  all," 
said  the  boy. 

u  But  you  said  you 
preferred  twenty-eight 
spoonfuls  of  ice-cream 
to  going  fishing  !  "  the 
old  man  cried,  raising 
his  voice. 

"  But  I  don't  want  no  more  ice-cream ! "  said  the  boy. 
"  I  've  had  enough,"  and,  seeing  there  was  little  more  to  be 
gained  from  the  interview,  he  was  ofF,  whistling  through  his 
teeth. 

"  I  certainly  cannot  adopt  as  a  unit  a  pleasure  which 
diminishes  in  value  through  indulgence,"  said  the  old  man  to 
the  confectioner,  who  had  been  an  amused  spectator  of  the 
experiment,  and  he  went  up  the  street. 

The  next  person  he  met  was  a  true-lover,  full  of  the  fire  of 
coo  190  coo 


—THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 

poetical  sentiment  and  burning  with  the  professional  emotions 
of  his  trade.  This  youth  listened  as  patiently  as  lovers  used 
to  the  vagaries  of  the  ancient,  and  when  the  presentment  of 
the  theory  was  accomplished,  he  spoke  up  gallantly,  and  said  : 

"  The  kiss  is  your  true  unit  of  pleasure  !  "  and  he  seemed 
not  to  care  who  might  hear ;  "  a  kiss  from  one's  true-love  is 
the  supreme  pleasure  !  " 

"  It  is  not  the  maximum  that  I  am  trying  to  determine," 
interrupted  the  scientist  with  irritation,  u  yet  we  may  let  that 
go,  as  a  lover's  trope.  But  tell  me — for  I  know  little  of 
sweethearting  —  have  you  by  chance  ever  kissed  your  mis- 
tress as  many  as  twelve  times  ? " 

The  stripling  burst  into  laughter  at  this  absurdity,  and  when 
he  was  calmer  he  cried  :  "  By  chance  —  marry,  no  !  But 
twelve  times  twelve  kisses  have  I  had  this  day,  nor  half 
enough  not  yet,  either  !  " 

"  Well,  well,  well !  "  the  old  man  ejaculated.  "  But  tell 
me,  how  did  the  pleasure  in  the  one  hundred  and  forty-fourth 
kiss  compare  with  that  of  the  first  ?  Was  it  more,  or  less  ? " 

"  It  was  more  —  far,  far  more  !  "  the  young  man  cried  — 
for,  as  I  said,  he  was  a  true-lover  —  "  and  the  more  I  kiss  my 
sweetheart  the  more  I  long  to  kiss  again  !  " 

This  sort  of  constancy,  however,  was  lost  on  the  scientist. 
"  I  fear  I  must  adopt  a  different  unit,  since  yours  is  a  variable, 
increasing  when  multiplied  !  "  and  he  went  back  to  his  labora- 
tory in  disgust  at  his  investigations. 

For  a  while  he  gave  up  all  hope  of  establishing  a  constant 
unit  of  pleasure,  till  one  day  a  singer,  having  heard  of  his 
distress,  came  to  him  and  suggested  that  the  amount  of  pleas- 
ure given  by  hearing  some  certain  song  might  well  be  em- 
ployed for  the  old  man's  purpose. 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


The  scientist  knew  nothing  whatever  of  music,  but  the 
idea  caught  his  fancy,  and  the  two  spent  an  afternoon  very 
pleasantly  together,  discussing  various  ballads,  which  the 
singer  rendered  in  a  marvellously  agreeable  tenor  voice.  The 
scientist,  however,  was  surprised  and  disappointed  to  discover 
that  not  even  the  pleasure  in  any  one  song  was  a  constant 

quantity  ;  for,  while  some 
pleased  him  at  first  — 
only  to  grow  paltry  and 
commonplace  upon  repe- 
tition —  there  were  others 
that  sounded  incompre- 
hensible at  the  first  hear- 
ing, but  these  the  tenor 
usually  insisted  upon  re- 
singing  until  the  old  man 
discovered  in  them  more 
and  more  beautiful  nuances 
and  harmonies,  so  subtle 
and  pleading  as  to  call  ever 
more  clearly  to  his  soul. 

Yet,  plainly,  a  form  of 
pleasure  which  varied  between  such  wide  limits  could  not  be 
inserted  as  a  constant  in  any  equation  of  joy. 

And  so,  since  all  subsequent  trials  but  afforded  cases  analo- 
gous to  those  of  the  boy,  the  lover  and  the  singer,  according 
as  the  physical,  the  spiritual,  or  the  mental  nature  of  the  wit- 
ness was  dominant,  the  old  scientist  gave  up  the  quest,  and 
published  a  brochure  upon  the  thesis  that  all  pleasure  was  a 
function  of  temperament,  as  modified  by  appetite,  and,  calm 
In  the  satisfaction  of  this  discovery,  of  which  the  whole  world 

C00   I  O2  C<00 


—THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK 

had  long  been  conversant,  he  lived  his  days  until  the  last  great 
sensation  came  to  him. 

As  he  lay  upon  his  death-bed,  surrounded  by  the  Fellows 
of  the  Philosophical  Society,  one,  sitting  by  him,  said  sadly  :  — 

u  The  Professor's  feet  are  already  cold  ;  he  is  dying  !  " 

At  these  words  a  heavenly  radiance  illumined  the  old  man's 
face,  and  he  attempted  to  speak  :  u  I  have  it,  at  last  !  "  he 
cried ;  "  the  true  unit,  the  only  constant  unit  of  pleasure,  is 
Death  !  "  And  he  passed  away,  with  a  smile  on  his  lips. 

"  His  end  is  a  triumph  and  a  justification  of  his  theory," 
said  the  President  of  the  Philosophical  Society,  as  he  composed 
the  features  of  the  corpse.  "  Yet,  how  useless  is  this  discovery 
to  Science  !  If  Death  is  the  one  constant  unalterable  sensa- 
tion, whether  positive  or  negative,  it  must  be  infinitely  great  — 
and  mathematics  does  not  permit  the  use  of  infinity  as  a  unit ! ' 


coo  13  cos 


G00 


-THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 

A    FABLE    FOR    MUSICIANS:     Read  it, 
And  if  you  See  the  Moral,  Heed  it ! 

JOHN  COUNTERPOINT  was  mad.  It  is  no  new 
thing  for  a  musician  to  be  accounted  insane  by  his 
friends  (and  by  other  musicians),  but  the  symptoms  of 
the  alienation  of  John  Counterpoint's  mind  were  various  and 
interesting.  The  madness  of  your  ordinary  musician  is  not 
so,  consisting  mainly  in  a  rise  of  inner  pride  and  a  fall  of 
outer  scorn. 

John  had  filled  every  post  in  the  orchestra.  He  had  lungs 
for  the  trombone,  nerves  for  the  violin,  lips  for  the  flute,  and 
muscles  for  the  drums,  as  well  as  that  nice  adjustment  of  the 
mind  which  is  absolutely  necessary  for  the  rendering  of  the 
subtle  triangle.  He  was,  in  short,  all  things  to  all  instru- 
ments. His  soul  was  poised,  yet  rhythmic,  and  he  copied 
scores  with  neatness  and  accuracy. 

It  was  the  surprising  technical  proficiency  that  he  possessed 
which  finally  unhinged  John  Counterpoint's  mind.  Music 
came  to  mean  to  him  mathematics  rather  than  philosophy, 
and  a  discord  offended  him  as  the  square  root  of  a  minus 
quantity  offends  an  algebraist.  Truly  there  are  surds  in 
music,  as  there  are  affected  quadratics  in  harmony.  John's 
dream  was  to  square  the  musical  circle ;  to  reduce  the  whole 
world  to  its  greatest  common  multiple,  as  one  might  say, 
speaking  mathematico-musically ;  to  orchestrate  the  universe. 

Musicians  agreed  with  him  that  the  world's  voices  were 
badly  correlated  and  the  ensemble  was  musically  poor.  They 
did  not  think  of  the  possibility  of  there  being  a  higher  mathe- 
matics of  music,  a  musical  calculus,  a  non-Wagnerian  har- 
coo  I  94  coo 


—THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 

mony,  to  which  they  had  not  yet  grown,  which  might  explain 
the  thunder-storm  motif  and  distinguish  its  permutation  in 
the  yapping  of  a  dachshund.  But  musicians,  as  a  rule,  have 
forsworn  thinking;  it  is  theirs  to  feel. 

And  so  when  John  Counterpoint  would  grow  white  with 
terror  if  two  men  coughed  in  non-related  keys,  his  fellows 
smiled,  and  said,  "  Poor  old  John,  how  he  must  suffer  in  this 
noisy  world  !  "  But  they  were  partly  wrong,  for  John  was 
no  fool,  though  he  was  a  musician ;  he  was  only  mad.  His 
mind  had  soared  far  above  the  petty  distractions  that  agitate 
the  third-rate  artist.  He  chafed  no  more  at  solo  perform- 
ances ;  it  was  with  him  a  question  of  harmony,  not  melody. 
The  popular  song — pouff^f  John's  philosophic  ear  over- 
heard all  its  obvious  phrases,  all  its  crude  sequences,  all  its 
inevitable  intervals ;  he  idealized  it,  reset  it  in  some  abstruse 
key  of  his  mind,  and  heard  it  glorified,  a  type  of  what  might 
be.  No  sound  was  to  him  a  mere  noise,  but  an  element. 
Upon  his  musical  palette  he  could  mix  the  crude  colours  of 
vibration  and  extort  pleasure  from  the  squeak  of  a  rusty  hinge. 
He  was  mad.  If  a  barrel  organ  was  not  actually  out  of  tune 
he  could  not  only  endure,  but  encourage  it.  He  could  enjoy 
one  bagpipe,  but  not  two. 

John's  idea  was  first  to  create  a  musical  nucleus  in  his  own 
home,  and  then  expand  the  circumference  of  harmony,  prose- 
lytize and  legislate,  until  the  whole  country  beat  in  time  to 
his  mad  theories.  Like  many  musicians,  the  centre  of  his 
home  was  the  dining-room.  John's  house  was  old,  and  in 
the  dining-room  floor  were  seven  squeaky  planks,  over  which 
the  butler  carried  in,  every  day,  John's  dinner. 

The  old  man  —  for  John  was  now  old  and  rich,  very  rich 
for  a  musician  —  always  waited  in  an  agony  for  this  moment, 
COO  195  coo 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


dreading  to  hear  the  badly  composed  series  of  squeaks  that  the 
butler's  footsteps  would  make  as  he  walked.  Every  day, 
after  dinner,  John  got  down  on  his  hands  and  knees  and 
played  upon  the  planks  as  if  they  were  the  keys  of  some  stu- 
pendous organ.  In  fact,  John,  recognizing  that  his  floor  was 
some  strange  new  musical  instrument  that  he  must  learn  to 

play,  called  it  a  stupend ; 
hence  "  stupendous." 

One  day  the  butler 
entered  as  usual,  stag- 
gering under  the  burden 
of  a  huge  joint,  and  as 
he  tottered  to  the  table, 
John  heard  the  divine  in- 
tervals of  the  Wagnerian 
Wotan  motif,  as  if  the 
Wanderer  had  entered, 
plunging  downward  with 
his  spear.  The  butler, 
startled  by  a  cat  that  had 
entered,  had  looked  round, 
taking  a  pair  of  eighth 
and  one  quarter  steps  before  proceeding. 

The  servant  was  instructed  and  practised,  and  was  never 
allowed  to  enter  the  room  in  any  other  way,  John  conducting 
the  motif  with  a  fork.  This  was  the  beginning. 

From  this  the  harmony  spread.  John  was  awakened  one 
morning  by  the  sound  of  hammers.  Carpenters  had  begun  to 
build  a  shed  in  the  yard,  and  nails  were  entering  the  boards 
with  cacophonous  percussion.  In  an  instant  old  Counter- 
point was  outside  in  his  night-shirt,  leading  the  men  with  his 
coo  i  QO  &oo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


conductor's  baton.  By  careful  training  he  succeeded  in 
arranging  their  work  so  that  the  notes  of  the  nails  at  each 
stroke  composed  with  the  vibrations  of  other  nails,  and  all 
day  the  chorus  of  harmony  floated  from  the  shed,  tinkling  like 
a  beautiful  shower.  Shed  after  shed  was  thus  built  to  satisfy 
John  Counterpoint's  craving  for  new  musical  harmonies. 

All  his  doors  were 
next  rehung,  tuned, 
adjusted,  so  that  the 
progress  from  room 
to  room  was  regis- 
tered by  a  succes- 
sion of  augmented 
ninths  as  one  after 
another  slammed. 
The  servants  were 
directed  to  slam  the 
doors.  They  would 
have  slammed  them, 
anyway. 

It  was  the  Count- 
erpoint front  fence 
that  was  John's  greatest  trial.  Boys  passed  and  repassed,  and 
never  by  any  chance  did  one  forget  to  drag  a  stick  across 
the  pickets.  John's  madness  had  so  far  confined  itself  to 
internal  reform.  It  was  time  to  commence  extraterritorial 
proceedings. 

Day  after  day  he  sat  upon  his  veranda,  writhing    at    the 

harsh  rattle  of  sticks  against  his  palings.      He  made,  however, 

no  attempt  to  reform  the  boys ;  it  was  the  pickets  that  gave 

offence.     He  hoped,  in  time,  so  to  adjust  the  world  that,  were 

coo  197  ctfo 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


it  peopled  entirely  with  small  boys,  all  sounds  would  yet  be 
musical  and  well  composed. 

At  last  John  had  an  inspiration.  He  would  make  the 
fence  a  xylophone  and  arrange  the  pickets  so  that  when  a 
small  boy's  stick  was  drawn  across  them  it  would  rattle  out  a 
pleasant  melody.  This  was  easily  accomplished,  and  often  of  a 
sunny  afternoon  John  Counterpoint  might  be  seen  seated  upon 

his  veranda  wait- 
ing for  the  next 
performer.  His 
xylophonic  palings 
became  famous 
for  leagues  about. 
They  were  set  for 
a  little  air  from 
Mozart's  "  Sere- 
nade," so  cun- 
ningly devised  that 
even  when  played 

backward  the  tune  was  not  unpleasant. 
But  by  this  time  John's  madness  had  become  more  violent. 
He  began  to  have  wilder  fancies.  He  could  not  see  a  man 
with  three  days'  growth  of  beard  upon  his  cheeks  without 
being  reminded  of  the  prickly  cylinder  of  a  music-box,  and  he 
would  lose  himself  in  thought,  speculating  upon  what  tune 
the  bristles  would  produce  if  the  man's  head  were  revolved 
across  the  teeth  of  a  musical  comb.  He  tried  to  experiment 
upon  the  butler,  who  objected,  and  gave  notice. 

The  telegraph  wires  about  the  house  next  aroused  John's 
interest,  and  he  planned  to  adjust  them  so  they  would  act  as 
./Eolian  harps.     From  this  he  was  diverted  by  the  howling  of 
GOO  I  98  coo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


his  terrier,  and  he  established  a  kennel  of  dogs  and  tried  to 
train  them  to  bark  in  minor  chords.  His  roosters  were  care- 
fully selected  so  as  to  crow  in  harmony.  He  had  the  middle 
tines  of  his  table  forks  removed,  and  all  his  cutlery  was 
retuned.  His  mind  was  by  this  time  easily  distracted,  and  his 
ideas  jumped  continually  from  B-sharp  to  C-natural.  It  was 
only  a  question  of  days  when  something  would  achieve  the 
final  catastrophe  and  his  mind  would  go  to  pieces  in  an 
orchestral  crash.  One  cannot  continue  a  crescendo  indefi- 
nitely. 

The  end  came  soon.  The  climax  of  John's  insanity 
arrived.  He  married. 

Mrs.  Counterpoint,  too,  was  a  musician.  It  is  this  in-and-in 
breeding  that  has  produced  so  many  cranks.  One  night  Mary 
G.  Counterpoint  awoke  with  a  staccato  shriek. 

"John,"  she  cried, 
weeping,  "you  snore 
in  G !  I  always 
snore  in  G-sharp. 
Our  honeymoon  has 
been  a  mere  dis- 
cord !  " 

The  end  had  come. 
The  next  morning 
John  Counterpoint 
awoke  perfectly 
sane.  But  his  wife 
was  crazy.  She  had 
begun  to  be  affected 
by  the  cacophony  of 
nature. 

coo  199 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


THE  KISSES  OF  THE  PRINCESS  PITTIPUMS 
The  Application  Doubtless  you  '11  Discover. 


ONCE  upon  a  time,  when  the  world  was  well  sprinkled 
with  pretty  Princesses,  as  the  story  books  tell,  and 
all  alike  too,  according  to  their  accounts,  only  far 
more  insipid,  being  invariably  pronounced  blondes  without 
brains — there  was  a  King  who  had  everything  he  wished 
excepting  a  large  family.  After  wearying  the  gods  with  his 
supplications  for  many  years,  however,  his  prayers  were  at 
last  granted,  and  after  a  decent  season  he  was  presented  by  his 
Queen  with  an  heir  to  the  throne.  This  daughter,  for  it  was 
unfortunately  a  girl,  was  she  who  afterwards  became  known  as 
the  beautiful  but  exceedingly  dangerous  Princess  Pittipums. 

c-co  2OO  coo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


To  Wit:  that  even  Fate  Herself  Succumbs 
To  Impudence  and  Ardour  in  a  Lover. 


Her  lot,  as  foretold  by  the  Faculty  of  Royal  Soothsayers, 
Astrologers,  and  Magicians  convened  upon  the  night  of  her 
birth,  was  a  singularly  unfortunate  one.  According  to  their 
predictions  she  would  never  in  the  whole  course  of  her  life 
receive  more  than  six  kisses;  and  moreover,  as  if  this  were 
not  bad  enough  luck,  it  was  prophesied  that  every  alternate 
person  who  kissed  her  would  immediately  die  upon  accomplish- 
ing the  embrace. 

When  the  King  was  warned  of  his  daughter's  bizarre 
career,  he  remarked  to  his  Master  of  the  Horse,  that  although 
this  enforced  prudery  would  no  doubt  take  a  load  of  responsi- 
<^>o  2OI  ooc 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK 

bility  from  his  shoulders,  yet  he  was  sorry  for  the  Princess, 
who  was  likely  to  have  a  rather  stupid  time  of  it  for  a  while; 
for,  though  six  kisses  might  be  considered  a  superfluity  for  a 
modern  maid  in  these  supercivilized  days,  it  was  accounted 
but  scant  measure  in  the  olden  time  when  there  were  more 
good-looking  men  about  and  those  not  afraid  of  committing 
themselves,  either. 

It  was  necessary,  however,  to  defend  the  safety  of  his  Court, 
as   well    as    to    prevent   any  of  the   precious   caresses    being 


wasted ;  and  the  King,  therefore,  caused  a  proclamation  to  be 
issued,  forbidding  any  one  upon  pain  of  death  to  kiss  the  Prin- 
cess. Affiches  were  accordingly  placarded  upon  all  the  walls 
of  the  Palace  announcing  the  inhibition. 

Unfortunately  this  notice  was  published  too  late.  Before 
the  paste  was  dry  on  the  posters,  the  Princess  Pittipums  had 
been  kissed. 

It  was  the  Head  Nurse's  sister  who  had  ravished  the  first 
sixth  of  the  Princess's  little  fortune.  Having  recently  lost  her 
own  child,  she  was  waiting  in  a  chamber  adjoining  the  Royal 
Nursery  when  the  Head  Nurse  brought  in  the  new-born  babe. 
Now,  even  puppies  of  one  litter  are  distinguishable  one  from 
the  other  by  spots  and  colours,  but  one  might  lay  a  dozen 
babies  in  a  row  and  be  unable  to  tell  them  apart.  This  infant 
coo  2O2  ooo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


was  so  like  the  little  child  who  had  died  a  week  ago  !  It  was 
so  small,  so  pink  !  It,  too,  weighed  just  an  hundred  ounces  ! 
The  bereaved  mother  could  not  restrain  herself  as  her  mater- 
nal affection  welled  up ;  she  caught  the  wee  bundle  of  Royalty, 
all  silk  and  lace,  from  her  sister's  arms,  fondled  the  mite  and 
pressed  the  tiny  lips  of  the  Princess  to  her  own. 

Thus  was  taken 
the  First  Kiss  of 
the  Princess. 

Now,  though 
indulgent  Nature 
might  forgive  her 
for  that  agonized 
embrace,  the  King 
was  not  likely  to 
pardon  what  had 
been  so  expressly 
prohibited.  The 
Head  Nurse,  there- 
fore, said  nothing 
about  the  occur- 
rence, and  after  a  few  necessary  preliminaries,  escorted  the 
child  to  her  distinguished  but  impatient  sire. 

The  King,  though  somewhat  surprised  at  the  size,  shape, 
colour,  and  general  appearance  of  his  offspring,  considered  the 
Queen's  effort,  upon  the  whole,  creditable ;  and  he  could  hardly 
resist  the  desire  to  take  from  the  little  Pittipums  her  first  kiss. 
Reflecting,  however,  upon  the  need  of  strict  economy  in  the 
disposal  of  the  favours  of  the  princess,  he  subdued  his  royal 
impulse,  and  bore  the  child  with  pompous  pride  to  his 
spouse. 

coo  203  coo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


The  Queen  was  not  doing  quite  so  well  as  might  be  expected. 
She  was,  in  fact,  desperately  ill.  But  the  joyful  sight  of  the 
infant  aroused  her,  and  she  made  a  sign  that  her  daughter 
should  be  held  to  her,  that  she  might  implant  a  kiss  upon  the 
little  lips.  For  a  moment  the  King  again  hesitated,  but  think- 
ing that,  after  all,  the  child  must  be  kissed  some  time  if  she  were 

=7  ever  to  collect  the  few 
caresses  that  were  her 
meagre  birthright,  and 
that  the  Queen  undoubt- 
edly had  the  best  right 
to  the  first,  he  stooped  and 
held  the  child  towards 
its  mother.  The  Queen 
caressed  her  daughter 
with  tenderness,  and 
then,  as  she  had  taken  the 
second  and  not  the  first 
kiss,  immediately  expired 
in  great  agony.. 

The  King  was  im- 
mensely angry,  not  to  say 
shocked.  He  caused  everybody's  head  to  be  cut  off  for  miles 
around.  As  if  that  would  do  any  good  !  With  this  terrible 
vengeance  as  a  warning  to  the  more  affectionate  members  of 
his  Court,  and  with  two  kisses  now  debited  to  the  Princess's 
affection  account,  Pittipums  was  brought  up  with  rigorous  care 
to  prevent  further  losses  to  her  unique  dower.  There  must 
be  no  leakage.  A  royal  Censor  was  appointed  to  expurgate 
the  very  word  "  kiss  "  from  her  nursery  books  and  magazines, 
and  the  most  horrible  punishment  was  promised  any  one  daring 
coo  204  ttt 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 

to  instruct  her  in  the  nature  of  osculation  or  amatory  embrace 
of  any  kind. 

From  time  to  time  vague  rumours  reached  the  ears  of  the 
Princess  as  to  some  peculiar  curse  that  had  been  laid  upon 
her,  but  for  a  long  while  she  was  ignorant  of  the  precise  nature 
of  her  misfortune.  She  felt,  at  most,  nothing  keener  than  a 
gentle  melancholy  or  loneliness.  Life  was,  she  thought,  very 
stupid;  she  hardly  knew  why.  She  knew  that  she  was  not 
like  other  girls,  but  she  fancied  it  was  because  she  was  a  Prin- 
cess; though,  as  I  said,  there  were  Princesses  enough  in  those 
exciting  days. 

When  Pittipums  reached  the  interesting  age  of  seventeen 
years,  the  King,  who  now  felt  the  shadow  of  death  falling 
upon  him,  sent  for  his  daughter,  and  she  came  obediently  to 
his  presence.  As  she  knelt  by  his  side,  he  told  her  plainly  the 
true  story  of  her  life,  and  the  terrible  doom  that  was  hers, 
But  now,  as  he  felt  the  time  was  near  at  hand  when  he  must 
be  gathered  to  his  fathers,  he  begged  of  her,  as  a  dying  request, 
that  she  should  give  him  her  third  kiss,  that  he  might  not  go 
down  to  the  grave  without  ever  having  embraced  his  only 
child. 

When  the  Princess  realized  the  full  extent  of  her  poverty, 
she  burst  into  tears  and  refused  to  be  comforted.  She  turned 
her  head  away  from  her  father  in  great  distress  of  mind,  with- 
out offering  him  the  salute  he  had  requested.  It  was  evident 
that  she  was  the  victim  of  mixed  emotions. 

"  Oh,  Sire !  "  she  cried  at  last,  "  bitter  is  my  lot,  and  hard 
my  fate,  that  I  may  not  grant  you  even  the  single  kiss  that  is 
your  paternal  due !  Would  to  God  I  had  known  the  condi- 
tion of  my  misery  ere  this  ;  for  now  I  dare  not  embrace  you 
as  my  filial  love  prompts  me.  I  must  confess,  now,  that  a 

&00  2O5  C03 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


twelvemonth  ago,  during  the  visit  of  the  young  Prince 
Ardent  to  your  Court,  he  discovered  me  one  day  alone  in  the 
Green  Chamber,  where  I  was  reading  in  an  old  book.  There 
was  such  a  queer  word  there!  and  this  I  showed  the  Prince 
that  he  might  make  known  to  me  its  meaning.  It  was  then 
he  exemplified  the  nature  of  the  kiss,  and  to  me  it  seemed 

very  pleasing.  And  I 
marvelled  that,  this  being 
so,  he  would  not  explain 
the  mystery  again,  but 
he  refused.  Alas,  now 
I  comprehend,  too  late, 
that  the  Prince  had  heard 
of  the  ancient  prophecy 
and  was  a  craven  !  And 
so,  that  being  my  third 
kiss,  I  may  not  give  you 
the  fourth  lest  you  die, 
and  therefore  my  woe  is 
great  because  of  my  in- 
nocent indiscretion  ! " 
But,  as  the  King's  feet  were  already  cold,  and  he  began  to 
feel  the  pangs  of  approaching  dissolution,  it  mattered  little  to 
him  whether  he  died  at  the  lips  of  the  Princess  or  by  reason 
of  his  malady.  So  he  pressed  her  to  his  breast,  drank  the 
patricidal  kiss  and  died  in  her  arms  out  of  hand. 

Pittipums  was  now  crowned  Queen  and  reigned  in  her 
father's  stead,  well  filling  his  throne  and  supporting  the  glory 
of  the  State.  She  was  admired  and  beloved  by  all  her  sub- 
jects, although  she  was  somewhat  feared  by  some  of  the  more 
susceptible  nobles  of  the  realm,  seeing  that  she  was  exceeding 

&£*>  206  coo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


fair  and  charming,  and  they  knew  not  when  the  exigencies  of 
State  might  require  them  to  be  closeted  with  her  alone,  in 
which  case  the  risk  of  death  would  be  very  great.  As  the  tale 
of  her  fatal  kisses  spread  abroad,  fewer  and  fewer  of  the  sur- 
rounding Princes  came  to  sue  for  her  hand  ;  for  though  she 
reigned  in  her  own  right  over  a  large  and  rich  Kingdom,  a  dot 
of  only  two  kisses,  and  the  last 
fatal  at  that,  seemed  too  small  a 
marriage  portion  for  even  the  most 
amorous  of  her  admirers. 

She  became,  then,  gradually 
more  resigned  to  her  lot,  observ- 
ing the  mean  qual- 
ity of  knighthood 
then  errant,  and, 
in  order  to  amuse 
herself  without 
ceremony  in  the 
intervals  between 
the  cares  of  her 
position,  she  took 
to  wandering  abroad  in  the  streets  of  her  capital,  incognito, 
disguised  as  a  Sister  of  Charity.  It  was  during  one  of  these 
excursions  that  she  met  one  morning  in  a  little  by-street  a 
child  who  had  fallen  and  was  crying  alone  by  the  corner  of 
the  wall.  The  Queen  approached  the  boy,  and,  taking  him 
in  her  arms,  comforted  his  misery  and  dried  his  tears. 
When  he  had  ceased  sobbing,  the  child,  grateful  for  this 
strange  beautiful  lady's  sympathy,  put  his  small  arms  about  her 
neck,  and,  before  she  could  hinder  him,  pressed  a  kiss  upon 
her  lips. 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


Thus  was  taken  the  Fifth  Kiss  of  Queen  Pittipums. 
The  Queen  had  now  but  one  kiss  left,  and  it  seemed  likely 
that  it  might  be  hard  to  collect  this  remaining  portion  of  her 
fortune.  She  resolved  to  put  it  to  the  test,  nevertheless,  and 
considering  that,  in  a  way,  she  had  been  cheated  out  of  the 
most  of  her  rightful  delights,  she  was  determined  that  this  kiss, 

at  least,  should  be  neither 
thrown  away,  stolen,  nor 
sacrificed  to  the  obliga- 
tion of  duty.  She  would 
gain  a  kiss  worth  hav- 
ing. So  she  let  it  be 
proclaimed  by  heralds 
that,  on  a  certain  day, 
she  would  assemble  the 
suitors  for  her  hand  and 
select  her  consort,  and 
that  considerations  neithei 
of  birth,  breeding,  culture, 
wealth,  health,  beauty, 
or  wisdom  should  hinder 
her  from  marrying  the  husband  of  her  choice. 

At  the  appointed  time  there  gathered  in  the  great  hall  of  the 
Palace  an  immense  crowd,  men  of  all  cut,  costume,  and  condi- 
tion. There  were  princes  and  dukes,  knights  of  royal  Orders 
and  gentlemen  of  all  degree,  merchants  from  over  seas,  tinkers, 
tailors,  and  ambitious  tradesmen  with  their  apprentices  appar- 
elled in  their  poor  best,  meagre-minded  serving-men,  and  a  half 
an  hundred  scullions,  swineherds,  and  what-not,  who  had  never 
even  seen  the  inside  of  a  castle  before. 

Before  this  motley  retinue  the  Queen  appeared  in  her  royal 

000  2O8  C473 


— THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 

robes  and  full  regalia,  wearing  a  bridal  wreath  with  orange 
blossoms  in  her  hair,  and,  standing  upon  the  dais  she  said  :  — 

"  My  lords  and  gentlemen  all,  1  bid  you  welcome  !  I  am, 
as  you  see,  clad  for  my  wedding,  and  so  soon  as  the  groom 
shall  have  been  chosen,  the  ceremony  shall  immediately  be 
performed.  As  I  am  anxious  to  lose  no  time  withal,  I  shall 
announce  forthwith  the  conditions  which  my  future  husband 
and  sharer  of  my  throne  must  fulfil.  You  are  doubtless 
all  already  aware  of  my  luckless  lot,  but  I  will  repeat  that, 
at  my  birth,  it  was  predicted  that  I  should  never  in  my  life 
receive  but  six  kisses,  and  that  every  alternate  person  who 
kissed  me  would  immediately  perish.  Already  my  royal 
mother,  the  giver  of  the  second,  and  the  late  King,  my  father, 
who  took  the  fourth  kiss,  have  expired  to  pay  the  forfeit 
demanded  by  Fate  and  attest  the  truth  of  the  prophecy.  Last 
month  a  little  child  of  the  city  robbed  me  innocently  of  my 
fifth  caress,  and  only  one,  therefore,  remains.  Whoever  kisses 
next  must  surely  die !  Yet,  as  I  would  not  marry  one 
who  does  not  truly  love  me,  and  as  any  one  who  is  really  in 
love  would  willingly  give  his  life  for  even  one  kiss  from  his 
mistress,  I  now  declare  that  I  will  espouse  him  amongst 
you,  and  him  only,  who  dares  prove  his  devotion  by  claiming 
the  sixth  kiss,  willingly  and  joyfully  giving  up  his  life  for  the 
rapture  of  embracing  his  Queen.  If  there  be  such  a  man, 
and  such  a  lover  amongst  you,  let  him  now  stand  forth  and 
claim  this  sweet  and  deadly  favour !  " 

There  was  a  murmur  from  the  crowd  of  suitors,  and,  after 
some  suppressed  discussion,  a  general  movement  towards  the 
door.  There  were  other  ladies,  it  seemed,  who,  though  they 
offered  a  less  distinguished  fortune  to  their  accepted  husbands, 
yet  allowed  more  leisure  in  which  might  be  dissipated  the 
(*»i4<*M>  coo  2OQ  oco 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


treasures  that  they  could  give.  So  thinking,  the  gathering  dis- 
persed, leaving  a  single  wooer  alone  in  the  hall  with  the 
Queen. 

This  was  a  youth  of  low  birth  and  meanly  clad,  a  swine- 
herd in  sooth,  but  with  a  debonair  bearing  withal,  that  testified 
to  his  assurance.  On  his  lip  was  a  slip  of  a  mustache  which 
he  curled  vainly;  on  his  lip  too,  was  a  smile  such  as  many  a 
man  has  had  his  face  slapped  for,  though  indeed,  it  well 
became  his  boldness.  He  closed  the  door  with  a  mocking 
formality  upon  the  heels  of  the  last  departing  recreant ;  then 
he  smiled  impertinently,  advanced  with  a  cavalier  swagger, 
his  elbows  thrust  out,  and,  stooping,  saluted  the  Queen's 
hand ;  for,  in  those  days  it  was  well  understood  as  a  rule  of 
the  game  that  such  courtesies  did  not  count  as  kisses. 

u  Your  Majesty,  let  the  nupitals  be  announced  !  "  he  said, 
with  impudent  nonchalance. 

"  I  beg  your  pardon  ?  "  said  Pittipums. 

u  Let  the  nu-pi-tals  be  announced  !  "  he  repeated.  "  Don't 
you  know  what  that  means  ?  " 

"  Oh  —  I  see  —  nuptials,"  the  Queen  said,  with  a  royal 
smile.  And  she  made  a  sign,  calling  a  page. 

As  soon  as  the  stripling  had  been  bathed,  perfumed,  robed 
as  befitting  his  new  rank,  invested  with  the  Order  of  Knight- 
hood, and  raised  to  the  Higher  Peerage,  a  fanfare  of  trumpets 
assembled  the  whole  Court  in  the  Chapel,  where  the  marriage 
ceremony  was  performed  with  the  full  assent  of  Law  and 
Clergy.  Every  one  marvelled  at  the  sublime  ardour  and  cour- 
age of  this  swineherd,  now  a  Royal  Prince  Consort.  Each 
observer  wondered  of  his  neighbor  what  kind  of  bargain 
behind  the  closed  doors  the  bridegroom  had  made  with  the 
Queen.  Here,  however,  they  did  him  an  injustice,  for  he  was 

coo  2IO  c^tt 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


as  bold  as  a  whip,  though  the  heart  of  Pittipums  had  begun  to 
misgive  her. 

So  at  last,  when  the  two  were  alone  she  said  to  him, 
"  My  Lord,  though  I  made  the  sixth  kiss  a  condition  of  our 
marriage  in  all  good  faith,  and  to  test  your  love  and  devo- 
tion, now  that  I  have  proved  you,  and  found  you  a  lover  none 
too  languid  for  my  desire,  my  heart  relents,  and  I  would  not 
hold  you  to  the  ordeal.  If  you  kiss  me,  you  die ;  if  you  die, 
you  cannot  kiss  me ;  therefore  I  am  like  to  live  kissless  what- 
ever happens.  I  must  have  a  live  husband  who  may  not  kiss, 
or  a  dead  one  who  cannot.  What  say  you,  then,  Prince, 
shall  we  live  coldly,  or  die  with  fervour  ?  " 

Then  said  he  that  had  been  a  swineherd  to  her,  with 
his  hand  on  the  hilt  of  a  brand-new  sword  he  was  a  whit 
proud  of,  u  Madam,  when  I  bargained  for  your  hand,  it  was 
with  no  thought  of  paying  less  than  your  price ;  and  as  for  my 
love,  it  is  not  yet  proven.  I  would  be  a  laggard  lover  if  I 
dared  not  or  cared  not  die  for  a  kiss  from  your  lips.  So  the 
kiss  I  must  have,  since  it  was  for  that  I  married  you.  Now 
though  you  know  but  little  of  such  things,  having  had  but 
five  kisses  in  all,  and  these  but  cool  and  overchaste,  you  are 
no  worse  for  that ;  and  what  a  kiss  should  be  that  will  I  teach 
you,  who  am  myself  better  qualified  by  experience.  So  now 
I  choose  to  kiss  you,  as  any  true  lover  would,  not  to  speak  of 
a  husband  with  which  title  you  have  honoured  me.  But  I 
pray  you  do  not  interrupt  me  with  your  tears,  nor  push  me 
away,  as  young  girls  sometimes  do,  at  their  first  donation." 

So  saying,  and  his  black  eyes  said  far  more  at  the  same 
time,  the  youth  took  her  in  the  fold  of  his  arms,  and  kissed 
her  long  and  passionately,  so  that  it  seemed  to  her  that  she 
was  being  drawn  up  into  Heaven  on  the  wings  of  doves,  sur- 

000  21  I  coo 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


rounded  by  a  thousand  bright  angels  floating  with  her  through 
the  upper  reaches  of  the  sky.  But  though  for  a  while  she 
forgot  her  fears  in  the  excess  of  love's  ecstasy,  at  last  she 
remembered  that  this  must  be  the  last  time  she  could  enjoy 
such  delirious  rapture  on  the  lips  of  her  lover  and,  breaking 
into  sobs,  she  threw  herself  from  his  arms. 

For  a  long  time  she 
dared  not  peep  through 
her  fingers,  fearing  to  see 
the  Prince  lying  dead 
before  her,  but  when  she 
at  last  gazed  at  him,  he 
was  standing  at  her  side, 
grinning  audaciously  and 
adjusting  his  lace  collar 
which  had  become  slightly 
disarranged  during  the 
operation. 

"  Oh,  my  Lord,"  cried 
the  Queen,  "  what  great 
joy  is  this,  and  by  what 
miracle  does  it  come  to 
pass  that  you  are  not  dead  at  my  feet  as  the  soothsayers  prophe- 
sied ?  Behold,  you  have  taken  the  Sixth  Kiss  and  you  still  live  !  " 
Then  her  husband  tossed  half  a  smile  at  her  as  he  took  her 
hand,  and  said,  "  Pardon  me,  my  Queen,  but  because  of  your 
weeping  I  was  interrupted  prematurely,  and  the  kiss  is  not  yet 
finished.  Now  you  are  more  calm,  I  shall  continue,  and  I 
beseech  you  to  be  more  careful!" 

But,  for  one  reason  or  another,  it  so  happened  that  the  Sixth 
Kiss  of  Queen  Pittipums  was  never  satisfactorily  completed, 
coo  21  2  coo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


THE  POET  AND  THE  PRINCESS:    How  the 

Rest  did 
Not  Find  Impossibilities  he  Quested. 

ONCE  upon  a  time,  I  have  her  word  for  it,  there  lived 
a  Princess,  in  the  northeastern  corner  of  a  News- 
paper Office,  in  a  little  room,  all  her  own.  She 
was  the  Literary  Editor,  and  her  desk  was  always  four  stories 
high  with  books  with  uncut  pages ;  the  window  ledge  was 
tipsy  with  weekly  papers, 
while  all  the  floor  round 
about  her  little  twirling 
throne  was  strewn  with 
reviews  and  magazines 
like  the  chips  beside  a 
woodpile. 

She  was  the  pride  and 
the  pet  and  the  brag  and 
the  boast  of  the  Sunday 
Editor,  and  because  she 
could  furnish  ideas  and 
comments  and  jokes  and 
paragraphs  for  the  edi- 
torial page,  she  could  do 
what  she  would  with  the 

Great  White  Chief,  and  she  held  his  Managerial  conscience 
in  her  left  hand. 

She  was  well  known  to  have  once  praised  a  book,  and  to 
have  read  at  least  two,  but  she  usually  spent  most  of  her  time 
upon  the  Tables  of  Contents.  She  had  never  had  time  to 

coo  21  3  coo 


r 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


contribute  to  the  magazines,  but  she  thought  she  could,  if 

she  wished. 

She  wrote  on  very  wonderful  violet  note  paper  with  red  ink 

stamped  with  her  royal  crest,  and  her  "  copy  "  always  went  in 

just    as   she  wrote   it,   which   proves  that  she  was   indeed  a 

Princess,  as  I  said. 

Many  authors  courted  her 
praise,  and  rising  young  writers 
promised  her  fabulous  rewards 
for  even  a  single  mention  of 
their  names  in  the  columns  of 
the  u  Evening  Sunset,"  but  she 
was  inaccessible.  She  scorched 
them  with  blithering  critiques, 
signing  her  name  in  full,  Hen- 
rietta Northampton  Byxbee,  as 
becomes  a  literary  woman  of 
the  last  quarter  of  the  nine- 
teenth century.  Nobody  dared 
start  in  to  read  a  book  till  H. 
N.  B.  said  "Go!"  and  the 
publishers'  advertisements  fell 
off  seventy-five  per  cent. 
At  this  blow  to  the  business 

office,  the   Managing  Editor  came   to   her  with  tears  in  his 

eyes  and   told   her  she  must   marry  him   or  review  a  book 

favourably. 

Annoyed  at  his  persistence  and  the  ever-increasing  number 

of  Manuscript  makers,  the  Princess  declared  that  she  would 

give  a  free  complimentary  notice  to  the  author  who  should 

procure  for  her  the  three  following  things : 

c/?o  214  000 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


1.  A  bottle  of  ink  that  would  write  black  and  stay  black. 

2.  A  pen  that  would  write  without  scratching  and  never 
wear  out. 

3.  A  blotter  that  would  absorb  ink  without  smooching. 
Had  she  asked  for  a  philosopher's  stone  or  a  perpetual  motion 

machine,  she  feared  her  privacy 
and  repose  would  have  been  en- 
dangered ;  but  as  it  was,  for  a 
whole  year  she  was  let  alone, 
and  was  free  from  the  importuni- 
ties of  the  scribblers.  At  the  end 
of  that  time  boxes  began  to  be 
brought  in  by  the  office  boy  and 
before  long  her  desk,  window 
ledge,  chairs,  tables,  bookcases, 
and  seven  eighths  of  the  floor 
space  were  all  covered  with  pack- 
ages of  pens,  inks,  and  blotting 
pads,  and  her  whole  time  was 
spent  in  opening  cases. 

None  of  the  materials  filled 
the  conditions,  of  course,  as  the 
articles  called  for  were  impossible  to  manufacture. 

But,  at  last,  after  many  months,  a  young  poet  came,  like 
Lochinvar,  out  of  the  West,  with  the  manuscript  of  a  little 
book  in  his  suitcase,  and  he  went  up  and  down  amongst  the 
publishers  of  the  town,  searching  for  some  one  to  accept  his 
poems.  Everywhere  he  was  received  with  contumely  and 
thrown  down  with  frightful  violence,  till  at  last,  one,  kinder 
than  the  rest,  said  :  — 

cc  If  you  can  succeed   in  getting  the    Princess   Byxbee  to 
c-crc  21  5  <*?o 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


mention  your  name  in  her  paper,  I  will  gladly  publish  your 
book  —  but  that,  of  course,  is  impossible  !  " 

The  next  day  Lochinvar  spent  in  bed  while  his  trousers  were 
being  mended,  and  as  he  lay  there  he  pondered  the  problem. 

Then  he  went  to  a  stationer's  and  bought,  on  credit,  a 
box  of  cheap  steel  pens,  a  five-cent  bottle  of  ink,  and  had, 

thrown  in,  an  advertising  blotter 
of  the  Something  Insurance  Com- 
pany of  Somewhere.  Assets 

$  1,000,000,000,000,000.00. 

So  he  went  up  to  the  Office  of 
the  "  Evening  Sunset." 

At  the  door  he  was  met  by  a 
supercilious  office  boy,  who  de- 
manded his  name,  age,  residence, 
complexion,  profession,  size  of  col- 
lar, and  many  other  things,  which 
he  wrote  on  a  card.  While  he 
was  engaged  with  these  statistics, 
Lochinvar  brushed  the  imp  aside, 
and  strode  through  the  local  rooms, 
past  the  wondering  reporters,  the 
City,  Sporting,  Humorous,  Tele- 
graph, and  Night  editors,  aghast  at  their  desks,  and  entered 
the  room  of  the  Princess,  as  one  on  horseback. 

Her  Royal  Highness  looked  up  with  a  smile ;  not  for  years 
had  she  met  one  so  bold  and  so  adequate.  "  Where  are  your 
credentials  ?  "  said  this  pink  Princess,  and  "  Here  they  are  !  " 
said  Lochinvar. 

He  opened  the  phial  of  writing  fluid  with  a  deal  of  manner. 
He  fitted  a  nib  to  her  ivory  penholder  theatrically,  and  very 
coo  2l6  coo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


carefully  and  tenderly  he  laid  the  blotter  beside  her  violet 
copy  paper  stamped  with  the  Royal  crest. 

"  Write  what  I  tell  you !  "  he  exploded,  striking  an 
attitude. 

The  obedient  Princess,  absorbed  in  the  poem  he  dictated, 
which  was,  in  reality,  a  proposal  of  marriage  couched  in  the 
metres  of  the  most  delicious  nonsense  verse  ever  conceived,  did 


ca 


not  notice  that  the  ink  was  a  pale  dirty  blue  which  hardly  showed 
on  the  surface  of  her  very  purple  copy  paper.  And,  glancing 
up,  she  received  full  in  the  eyes  a  wonderful  smile  that  blinded 
her  to  the  fearful  and  hideous  spluttering  of  the  cheap  steel 
pen  of  commerce,  and  when  the  four  magic  lines  were  written 
she  was  so  captivated  with  the  precocity  of  their  humour,  and 
so  intent  in  wondering  if  the  poet  were  going  to  kiss  her  or 
not,  that  she  entirely  forgot  to  use  the  blotter  till  the  ink  was 
quite  dry. 

coo  217  coo 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK 

No  one  had  ever  made  love  to  her  before,  without  being 
terribly  in  earnest  about  it.  This  was  different.  But  she  did 
not  have  long  to  wonder  about  the  kiss. 

The  next  day  Lochinvar' s  name  was  mentioned  six  times  in 
the  "  Literary  Chat "  and  eighteen  times  in  the  little  paragraphs 
on  the  editorial  page  of  the  "Sunset,"  so  that  every  Jack 


reporter,  believing  that  the  end  of  the  world  had  come,  the 
eye  of  authority  being  closed,  went  off  and  became  intoxicated 
at  the  miracle. 

Fourteen  several  publishers  telegraphed  Lochinvar  for  the 
American  rights  to  the  book,  and  when  it  appeared,  it  was 
reviewed  flatteringly  every  day  for  two  weeks  in  the  literary 
pages  of  the  "  Sunset "  by  Mrs.  Leander  Lochinvar,  ex- 
princess.  The  End. 

000  21  8  c-oo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


ABSTEMIA  :   In  Mystic  Argot, 
Often  Confounded  with  Farrago. 


IF  aught  that  stumbles  in  my  speech 
Or  stutters  in  my  pen, 
Or,  claiming  tribute,  each  to  each, 
Rise,  not  to  fall  again, 
Let  something  lowlier  far,  for  me, 
Through  evanescent  shades  — 
Than  which  my  spirit  might  not  be 

Nourished  in  fitful  ecstasy 
Not  less  to  know  but  more  to  see 
Where  that  great  Bliss  pervades 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


THE  MUSEUM  OF  KISSES:    Surely 
No  One  could  Visit  it  Demurely. 

THIS  is  the  place  I  M  like  to  burglarize ; 
It  is  the  Royal  Museum  of  Kisses. 
It  has  an  Annual  Show,  and  gives  a  Prize 
To  all  the  most  deserving  men  and  misses. 

And  ranged  in  various  rows  about  the  wall 
Are  kisses,  all  deserving  great  attention  ; 

But  in  one  room,  the  sweetest,  best  of  all, 

Are  those  of  one  whose  name  I  dare  not  mention  ! 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 

ABSTROSOPHY:  by  which  is  Meant 
A  Theme  of  Nonsendental  Bent. 

IF  echoes  from  the  fitful  past 
Could  rise  to  mental  view, 
Would  all  their  fancied  radiance  last 
Or  would  some  odours  from  the  blast, 
Untouched  by  Time,  accrue  ? 

Is  present  pain  a  future  bliss, 

Or  is  it  something  worse  ? 
For  instance,  take  a  case  like  this : 
Is  fancied  kick  a  real  kiss, 

Or  rather  the  reverse  ? 


Is  plentitude  of  passion  palled 

By  poverty  of  scorn  ? 

Does  Fiction  mend  where  Fact  has  mauled  ? 
Has  Death  its  wisest  victims  called 

When  idiots  are  born  ? 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


ROPE'S  STULTITUDE: 

A  Cheerful  Lay ; 

At  Least,  /  Like  it,  Anyway  ! 


THE  dismal  day  with 
dreary  pace  hath 
dragged  its  tortuous 
length  along  the  grave- 
stones black  and  funeral 
vase  cast  horrid  shadows 
long. 

Oh  let  me  die  and  never 
mourn  upon  the  joys  of 
long  ago  with  cankering 
thoughts  the  world  's  forlorn 
—  a  wilderness  of  woe ! 

For  in  the  grave's  dark  bed 
to  be  though  grim  and  dis- 
mal it  appears  is  sadder  not 
it  seems  to  me  than  har- 
rowing nights  of  tears  ! 


coo  222 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


PSYCHOLOPHON:  Supposed  to  Be 
Translated  from  the  Old  Parsee. 


TWINE  then  the  rays 
Round  her  soft  Theban 
tissues ! 
All  will  be  as  She  says, 

When  that  dead  Past  reissues. 
Matters  not  what  nor  where, 

Hark,  to  the  moon's  dim  cluster ! 
How  was  her  heavy  hair 

Lithe  as  a  feather  duster  ! 
Matters  not  when  nor  whence ; 

Flittertigibbet ! 

Sounds  make  the  song,  not  sense, 
Thus  I  inhibit ! 


coo  223  coo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK 

THE  KNAVE  OF  HEARTS:    If  Euchred,  List 
To  my  Advice,  t'  would  Help  you.     Whist ! 

THIS  is  the  Knave  of  Hearts,  beware ! 
Oh,  trusting  maidens,  have  a  care  ! 
There  's  not  a  Trick  he  will  not  do 
To  capture  such  a  one  as  you ! 

Full  many  a  Queen  he  's 

made  to  blush, 
For  he   enjoys   a  Royal 

Flush. 
But    he   will  Bluff,  and 

he  '11  revoke  her. 
He  is  a  most  capricious 

Joker. 
For  Jack  is  nimble,  Jack 

is  cute  — 

Be  careful  how  you  Fol- 
low Suit ! 
Trump   though   he   is, 

please  understand, 
You   must   not   let   him 

Hold  your   Hand. 
Oh,  trust  him  not,  until 

the  hour 
You  're     certain     he    is 

your  Right  Bower! 


Then  do  not  Cut  him  —  let  him  Lead  ; 
He  '11  give  you  a  good  Deal,  indeed  ! 


224 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


THE  PURPIL  COWE:   Perilla  Says  she  Wrote  it. 
The  Last  Four  lines  are  Mine,  and  So  I  Quote  it0 


AMAYDE  there  was,  femely  and  meke  enow, 
She  fate  a-milken  of  a  purpil  Cowe : 
Rofy  hire  Cheke  as  in  the  Month  of  Maye, 
And  fikerly  her  merry  Songe  was  gay 
As  of  the  Larke  vprift,  wafhen  in  Dewe ; 
Like  Shene  of  Sterres,  fperkled  hire  Eyen  two. 
Now  came  ther  by  that  Way  a  hendy  Knight 
The  Mayde  efpien  in  morwening  Light. 
A  faire  Person  he  was  —  of  Corage  trewe 
With  lufty  Berd  and  Chekes  of  rody  Hewe : 
Dere  Ladye  (quod  he)  far  and  wide  I  Ve  ftraied 
Vncouthe  Aventure  in  ftraunge  Contrie  made 
Fro  Berwicke  unto  Ware.      Parde  I  vowe 
Erewhiles  I  never  faw  a  purpil  Cowe ! 
Fayn  wold  I  knowe  how  Catel  thus  can  be? 
Tel  me  I  pray  you,  of  yore  Courtefie ! 
The  Mayde  hire  Milken  ftent  —  Goode  Sir  she  faide, 
The  Master's  Mandement  on  vs  ylaid 
Decrees  that  in  thefe  yclept  gilden  Houres 
Hys  Kyne  shall  etc  of  nought  but  Vylet  Floures  ! 
>  coo  225  coo 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


AN  ALPHABET  OF  FAMOUS  GOOPS. 
Which  you  '11  Regard  with  Yells  and  Whoops. 

Futile  Acumen ! 

For  you  Yourselves  are  Doubtless  Dupes 
Of  Failings  Such  as  Mar  these  Groups  — 

We  all  are  Human! 


ABEDNEGO  was  Meek  and  Mild ;  he  Softly  Spoke, 
he  Sweetly  Smiled. 
He   never   Called    his    Playmates   Names,   and   he 
was  Good  in   Running  Games ; 

But    he     was    Often     in     Disgrace     because    be    had   a    Dirty 
Face  ! 

COO  226  <U90 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


BOHUNKUS  would  Take  Off"  his  Kat,  and  Bow  and  Smile,  and 

Things  like  That. 
His  Face  and  Hair  were  Always  Neat,  and  when  he  Played  he 

did  not  Cheat ; 
But  Oh  f  what  Awful  Words  he  Said,  when  it  was  Time  to  Go 

to  Bed! 


The  Gentle  CEPHAS  tried  his  Best  to  Please  his  Friends  with 

Merry  Jest ; 
He  tried  to  Help  Them,  when  he  Could,  for  CEPHAS,  he  was 

Very  Good  ; 
And  Yet  —  They  Say  he  Used  to  Cry,  and  Once  or  Twice  he  Told 

a  Lie  ! 

G00  227  000 


-THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


DANIEL  and  DAGO  were  a  Pair  who  Acted  Kindly  Every- 
where ; 

They  studied  Hard,  as  Good  as  Gold,  they  Always  did  as 
They  were  Told  ; 

They  Never  Put  on  Silly  Airs,  but  They  Took  Things  that  were 
Not  Theirs. 


EZEKIEL,   so  his   Parents    said,  just   Simply   Loved  to   Go    to 

Bed; 
He  was  as  Quiet  as  could  Be  whenever  there  were  Folks  to 

Tea; 
And  yet,  he  had  a  Little  Way  of  Grumbling,  when  he  should 

Obey. 

vor.  228  c-00 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


When  FESTUS  was  but  Four  Years  Old   his  Parents  Seldom 

had  to  Scold ; 
They  never  Called  him  "  FESTUS  DON'T  !  "  he  Never  Whined 

and  said  «  /  Won't !  " 
Yet  it  was  Sad  to  See  him  Dine.      His  Table  Manners  were  Not 

Fine. 


GAMALIEL  took  Peculiar  Pride  in  Making  Others  Satisfied. 
One  Time  I  asked  him  for  his   Head.     "  Why,  Certainly  !  " 

GAMALIEL  Said. 
He  was   Too   Generous,   in   Fact.      But   Bravery  he  Wholly 

Lacked. 

GOO  229  000 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK 


HAZAEL  was  (at   Least  he  Said  he  Was)  Exceedingly  Well 

Bred; 
Forbidden  Sweets  he  would  not  Touch,  though  he  might  Want 

them  very  Much. 
But  Ob,  Imagination  Fails  to  quite  Describe  his  Finger  Nails! 


How  Interesting  ISAAC  Seemed  !      He  never  Fibbed,  he  Sel- 
dom Screamed ; 

His  Company  was  Quite  a  Treat  to  all  the  Children  on  the 
Street ; 

But  Nurse  has  Told  me  of  his  Wrath  when  he  was  Made  to  Take 
a  Bath  ! 

ctfo  230  coo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK 


Oh,  Think  of  JONAH    when  you  're    Bad ;    Think   what   a 

Happy  Way  he  had 
Of  Saying    «  Thank    You  !  "  —  "If  you    Please  "  —  «  Excuse 

Me,  Sir,"  and  Words  like  These. 
Still,  he  was    Human,   like     Us    AIL      His    Muddy    Footprints 

Tracked  the  Hall. 


Just  fancy  KADESH  for  a  Name  !     Yet  he  was  Clever  All  the 

Same ; 
He  knew  Arithmetic,  at  Four,  as  Well  as  Boys  of  Nine  or 

More  ! 
But  I  Prefer  far  Duller  Boys,  who  do  Not  Make  such  Awful 

Noise  ! 

tar*  231  coo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


Oh,  Laugh  at  LABAN,  if  you  Will,  but  he  was  Brave  when  he 

was  111. 
When   he  was  111,  he  was    so  Brave   he   Swallowed   All    his 

Mother  Gave  ! 

But  Somehow,  She  could  never  Tell  why  he  was    Worse  when   he 
was  Well! 


If  MICAH'S  Mother  Told  him  "No  "  he  Made  but  Little  of 

his  Woe; 
He  Always  Answered,  "  Yes,  Pll  Try!"  for  MICAH  Thought 

it  Wrong  to  Cry. 
Yet  he  was  Always  Asking  Questions  and  Making  quite  Ill-timed 

Suggestions. 

090  232  coo 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


I  Fancy  NICODEMUS  Knew  as  Much  as  I,  or  even  You  ; 

He   was   Too   Careful,    I   am   Sure,  to   Scratch   or  Soil  the 

Furniture  ; 
He  never  Squirmed,  he  never  Squalled  ;  he  Never  Came  when 

he  was  Called ! 


Some  think  that  OBADIAH'S  Charm  was  that  he  Never  Tried 

to  Harm 
Dumb  Animals  in  any  Way,  though  Some  are  Cruel  when 

they  Play. 
But  though  he  was  so   Sweet  and  Kind,  his  Mother  found  him 

Slow  to  Mind. 

ooo  233  coo 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


When  PELEG  had  a  Penny  Earned,  to  Share  it  with  his  Friends 

he  Yearned. 

And  if  he  Bought  a  Juicy  Fig,  his  Sister's  Half  was  Very  Big! 
Had  he  not  Hated  to  Forgive^  he  would  have  been    Too   Good  to 

Live  ! 


When  QUARTO'S  brother  QUARTO  Hit,  was  QUARTO  Angry  ? 

Not  a  Bit ! 

He  Called  the  Blow  a  Little  Joke,  and  so  Affectionately  Spoke, 
That  Everybody  Loved  the  Lad.      Yet  Oh,  What  Selfish  Ways 

he  Had! 

v&  234  ooo 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


Was  REUBEN  Happy  ?  I  should  Say  !  He  laughed  and  Sang 
the  Livelong  Day. 

He  Made  his  Mother  Smile  with  Joy  to  See  her  Sunny- 
Tempered  Boy. 

However,  she  was  Not  so  Gay  when  REUB  Refused  to  Stop  his 
Play! 


When  SHADRACH  Cared  to  be  Polite,  they  Called  him  Gentle- 
manly, Quite  ; 

His  Manners  were  Correct  and  Nice;  he  Never  Asked  for 
Jelly  Twice ! 

Still,  when  he  Tried  to  Misbehave,  O,  how  Much  Trouble  SHAD- 
RACH Gave  ! 


•THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


Don't  Think  that  TIMOTHY   was   111  because  he  Sometimes 

Kept  so  Still. 
He  knew  his  Mother  Did  Not  Care  to   Hear  him   Talking 

Everywhere. 
He  did  not  Tease,  he  did  Not  Cry,  but  he  was  Always  Asking 

"WHY?" 


URIAH  Never  Licked  his   Knife,  nor  Sucked  his  Fingers,  in 

his  Life. 
He  Never  Reached,  to  Help  Himself,  the  Sugar  Bowl  upon 

the  Shelf. 
He  Never  Popped  his  Cherry   Pits ;   but  he  had  Horrid  Sulky 

Fits! 

^236^ 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


To  See  young  Vivius  at  his   Work,  you   Knew  he  'd  Never 

Try  to  Shirk. 
The  Most  Unpleasant  Things  he  'd  Do,  if  but  his   Mother 

Asked  him  To. 
But  when  young  Vivius  Grew  Big,  it   Seems  be  was  a  Norful 

Prig! 


Why  WABAN  always  Seemed  so  Sweet,  was  that  he  Kept  so 

Clean  and  Neat. 
He  never  Smooched  his  Face  with   Coal,  his  Picture  Books 

were  Fresh  and  Whole. 
He  washed   His   Hands  Ten  Times  a  Day;  but,  Oh,  what 

Horrid  Words  he  'd  Say  ! 

G0Q  237  C09 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


What  shall  1  say  of  XENOGOR,  Save  that  he  Always  Shut  the 

Door! 
He  always  Put  his  Toys  Away  when  he  had  Finished  with  his 

Play. 
But  here  his  List  of  Virtues  Ends.     A  Tattle-  Tale  does  not  Make 

Friends. 


YERO  was  Noted  for  the  Way   with  which   he  Helped    his 

Comrades   Play ; 
He  'd  Lend  his  Cart,  he  'd  Lend  his  Ball,  his   Marbles,  and 

his  Tops  and  All ! 
And  Yet  (I  Doubt  if  you  II  Believe)^  be  Wiped  bis  Nose  upon  his 

Sleeve  ! 

ceo  238  c<73 


THE  BURGESS  NONSENSE  BOOK- 


The    Zealous    ZIBEON   was    Such  as  Casual    Callers    Flatter 

Much. 
His  Maiden  Aunts  would  Say,  with  Glee,  u  How  Good,  how 

Pure,  how  Dear  is  He  !  " 
And  Yet,  he  Drove  his  Mother  Crazy  —  he  was  so  Slow,  he  was 

so  Lazy  ! 


FINIS 


SO    ENDS   THE   TOME:    ARE    YOU,    MY    FRIEND, 
AS    GLAD    AS    I    TO    SEE    THE    END  ? 
HAVE   YOU    DONNED    MOTLEY    FOR   THE    MONEY 
AND  FEARED  YOUR  JESTS  WERE  NONE  TOO  FUNNY: 
SO    ENDS    THE    TOME:    SO    ENDS    MY    FOLLY; 
'TIS    DISMAL   WORK,    THIS    BEING  JOLLY. 
NO    MORE    I'LL    PLAY   THE    HARLEQUIN 
UNLESS   MORE   ROYALTIES   COME   IN. 
coo  239  <x?o 


